How to interpret photography help wanted ads

[CaptainTom]

Some times you run across ads that seem great, but my experience in both placing and answering these ads has given me some insight that I'll share with Y'all....

Description = "this is a lie, but we're gonna tell it anyway"
Start a New Career = " you could have this job for almost a year"
Sign up Bonus of $2,000 = " as long as you fulfill all the goals and expectations which are too many to list right now "
No Experience Necessary = "if you are a photographer already, you are over qualified "
Travel in 200 mile radius = " there isn't enough business close by to earn a living with "
NO NEED TO RELOCATE = " because we wouldn't pay anyways "
Guaranteed Income, Plus Bonus = " see 'sign up bonus' "
Travel Expenses Paid by Company = " this money is included in the next claim"
Opportunity to earn $800+ per week = " see sign up bonus and travel expenses".

For More Information and to set up an Interview = " we don't have a permanent location because the attorney general is looking for us "
Call 800-500-xxxx ext 257 = " generic answering service - untracable "
Email or Fax Resume to Attn Photography/ Sales Ad = voice and fax all on one phone line ?
EOE = we don't discriminate because we will screw with anyone.
Limited Time Offer = see reference to attorney general
2 openings Available = one of you will be smart enough to leave soon.

Requirements
Must be willing to Travel Overnight 3+ nights per week = having a big car will cost you big bucks unless you sleep in it.
Must be able to work on average3-4 days at $228 at least pr day weekly. = sat/sun/wed/fri
Must have Dependable Transportation. = we pay .05 per mile so it better be a hybrid.
Must be professional in Appearance. = should read 'appearance only'
Must have Good Work Ethic. = we want the attorney general to like you
Must be Dependable. = we need the money more than you do, so be sure to send it right away.
Must have Good Personality. = our product is grossly overpriced and the quality sucks, so you need to be able to move fast and have a smile.

[doctahjones]

heh, very helpful and funny

[lyncca]

LOL, cute :-)