Fading Colors - Story of a Schizophrenic

[jgrindal]

As a select few of you know, this March I was diagnosed with paranoid type schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is probably the most widely misunderstood disease in the world and affects 1 out of every 100 people in the US. It affects one's ability to discern the real from the imaginary and causes one to believe things that aren't true. In my particular case, I had the unshakable belief that there was an organization that wanted to capture me and extract information from me. I wouldn't leave the house for days on end in fear that I would be taken away. There were voices that would tell me what was going to happen to me if they got me, and told me that everyone was in on it. I was petrified, unable to function. One additional effect of the psychosis is that the world becomes much more vibrant and real. Everything you see is fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Colors are fully saturated, but sometimes changing around before your eyes. It's almost as if you're living in a fairyland.

I am now on medication that limits the psychosis - it quiets the voices and quells the delusions, but it also deadens the world around me. Colors are dull and faded, the world is less alive. It's not as scary now, but it also seems less interesting. I know that this is the way the world actually is, but there are some days I miss the colors and the movements.

Doctors say that drawing and art is the best way to express the world of psychosis to 'normals', but unfortunately, I can't draw to save my life. I do, however, have a camera and, while the shutter can't capture what I see in my mind, I can try to make it look, I wanted to try to share with you the way the world looks to a psychotic - the way it looked to me. I took some of the old pictures and played with them in Lightroom to make them more reflect what I actually saw when psychotic. Enjoy?







Schizophrenia is highly misunderstood. We are viewed as dangerous - a threat to ourselves and society. I am not permitted to carry a concealed weapon now. I cannot purchase a handgun. My neighbors don't want me near their kids. My employer questions whether I can function in my job. I'm not a threat to anyone, and neither are most schizophrenics. Overall, we are reclusive, afraid of people on the whole. We are capable and smart, we simply have a few more hurdles to jump.

As another note, mental health research in the US is gravely lacking. We put so much money into cancer and heart disease, but very little into researching schizoid disorders and other things that affect the mind. I'm going to ask you a personal favor. If you're looking to donate some money for medical research, consider donating to NARSAD. We don't understand what causes the disease, and we need research dollars to get there.

Anyway, I wanted to share my story with you. Thanks!

[groovyone]

Thanks for sharing, Justin.

It is hard or even impossible to imagine what you are going through, but hopefully your willingness to share will open a few eyes.

[CAPT782]

Thanks for coming out like that, I never new that many people have that! I've delt with it on the medical side as as EMT several times but to hear somebody that has it explain it the way you did really helps me understand it better.
I really think now I will look at most people in a whole new way and be alot more tolerant of people in general because you just never really know what or how they are thinking!

Thank you again, That was a real eye opener.

Jim

[dpena]

very interesting ,,, thanx for for sharing............

[ttusa]

Thank you for enlightening us.

[CaptainG]

Dramatic photos to illustrate your story, Justin and thanks for illuminating the forum about a difficult affliction.

[z-monster]

I applaud you my friend! If I could I would gladly shake your hand.

[photonewb]

wow Justin, I'd wondered what had happened to you. You just kinda faded away a few months ago. Good to see you back with us, and good to see you dealing with this as constructive as possible.

[carrbowl]

I worked with the mentally ill for several years. And you are correct....they are sooooo misunderstood. It's like so many other things, a few make it look bad for the whole bunch. I'm glad to see you have found some medicine that works, and you are willing to stay on it. The medicine choices are not great and the side effects are usually horrible. It's people like you that educate others that will help the rest of the world....thanks for sharing...it is difficult to do that.

[Westx]

Justin my heart goes out to you. I fully understand what you are going through as I lived with this disease for 22 years until the day my father passed away.

Thank the good Lord the treatment has advanced from what it was in the 60's and 70's when they thought electro-shock therapy was the cure for the disease. Not a pretty picture seeing someone you love go through that.

Thanks so much for sharing your story and the pictures look great.

Peace to you and yours.

[herenaustin]

Justin - What incredible courage you have in telling your story and in sharing you "views". I, too, worked in mental health (military medical psychiatric wards) and know how misunderstood schizophrenia is. I experienced a lot of joy, pain, concern, hope and wonder in dealing with the patients. Such incredible creativity when allowed to blossom. Such heartbreaking episodes when there are negative triggers.

You have a real talent here and can teach so many people so much - just by being who you are. You have my compassion and my respect. Best of luck to you - know you have a whole lot of friends and support here.

[sldi]

There was a wonderful movie out a few yrs ago starring Russel Crow as a Professor that won the Nobel prize in Economics I believe. It showed his life and was shown thru his eyes, just how he was trapped in his own world. My mother was a Manager for the cities housing authority and all of the employees were given a screening of the movie to help them work with people that my have had that condition

[84young]

Absoulately amazing to say the least. Thanks for sharing with us and welcome back to the fourm, cant wait to see more.

[Roadrnr]

Thank you for opening up about your illness. My sister was diagnosed about 2 years ago with Paranoid schizophrenia. A couple of her episodes have been tough for both her and us. Like you she was afraid of a coworker that she thought was following her to kill her. The delusions (both auditory and visual) have been very hard to understand as an outsider. We struggled with getting her to take her medication. We've finally been able to get her an a consistent schedule to take her meds, but its been tough. Through that time she hasn't recently gotten engaged, which has helped her be a little more happy. It's got us scared a little bit too. We actually have gotten involved in NAMI. We (Mom, wife and I) go to a family to family group that helps us to understand more of what my sister is going through.

[jgrindal]

Thanks for all the positive support here, it really does help. It's been very hard over the past few months. When describing the situation, I heard the following:
"Imagine for a moment that the moments, things and people dear to you were not gone, not dead, but worse - they had never been at all. What kind of hell would that be?"

It's jarring to say the least....