My experiense with a.............

[David Whatley]

Colonoscopy Journal: By Dave Barry

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies. ..
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[jeffro20]

Funny story......thanks for sharing. I was scheduled last year after my family doctor said it "was time"....the golden 50. I was all set until I went to the admissions office and was told I needed to pay my $1500 deductible first. I said goodbye, maybe another time.

PS.....on your liter comparison.....I think you meant 32 ounces, not 32 Gallons.

[Truckman]

Originally Posted by jeffro20

PS.....on your liter comparison.....I think you meant 32 ounces, not 32 Gallons.

Trust me, it only seems like 32 gallons......Ben

[srwatters]

You might consider crediting the original author, Dave Barry.

[Tom]

Originally Posted by srwatters

You might consider crediting the original author, Dave Barry.

Indeed.

I got to have a few.

Living in Southeast Asia and getting dysentery will do that to you. All at the ripe old age of 21.

I moved a TV into my bathroom and actually slept on the floor the night before the procedures.

It does feel like 32 gallons. It is horrible.

The night before the procedure is way worse - I was sedated and completely slept through the procedure. I did have pics from mine, but I think my wife threw them away. Probably so it would never make it up as my facebook profile picture.

[ggeen]

Well, I hope you are the >5 year schedule because being on the 3 year schedule is for the birds.

[Digigeek]

Originally Posted by jeffro20

Funny story......thanks for sharing. I was scheduled last year after my family doctor said it "was time"....the golden 50. I was all set until I went to the admissions office and was told I needed to pay my $1500 deductible first. I said goodbye, maybe another time.

PS.....on your liter comparison.....I think you meant 32 ounces, not 32 Gallons.

No, he meant 32 gallons. Try MoviPrep, you'll understand.

[Digigeek]

The exam is nothing. The night before is best experienced by someone else.

Oh, and by the way, they never tell you about the pills you can take instead of the MoviPrep.

[kenw]

GET THE PILLS!!!! I've done all of the preps possible, and the pills are certainly the way to go.

Every few years I get to have have what I call "the rotisserie': a colonoscopy and gastroscope at the same time. I'm told they meet in the middle, shake hands and back out.....

No, not with the same device.

[srwatters]

Originally Posted by kenw

Every few years I get to have have what I call "the rotisserie': a colonoscopy and gastroscope at the same time. I'm told they meet in the middle, shake hands and back out.....

No, not with the same device.

That's a vision I don't want in my head! Out! Get out!

Whew...

[janetg]

having had crohns disease since i was 16...i have had more colonoscopies than i ever care to count... in the 75+ range... all i can say, is keep talking while they are putting the happy juice in the iv...keep talking as long as you can - and they WILL give you more..haha

[kenw]

Originally Posted by janetg

having had crohns disease since i was 16...i have had more colonoscopies than i ever care to count... in the 75+ range... all i can say, is keep talking while they are putting the happy juice in the iv...keep talking as long as you can - and they WILL give you more..haha

yes, happy juice is good. Unfortunately the new stuff wears off too quickly. I used to rather enjoy the sleep, some of the best I've ever had....

[Teddington]

I'll never forget my first experience. The Doc asked me which side I wanted to lay on and I asked why? Does it matter? His response, "Well, if you want to watch on the monitor you need to lay on your left side." EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I laid on my right side!

And am I pissed. My health insurance won't approve the happy time go to sleep stuff anymore.

[ggeen]

My first was a colonoscopy and endoscopy in the same visit. I asked the doctor if "you're doing the endoscopy first, right?" He put me to sleep just to shut me up.

[kenw]

Originally Posted by ggeen

My first was a colonoscopy and endoscopy in the same visit. I asked the doctor if "you're doing the endoscopy first, right?" He put me to sleep just to shut me up.

welcome to the Rotisserie Club.

Like the Rotary Club only they use drugs to get you to sleep.

Each time I've gone in (4-5 so far?) my neighbor has been one of the attending nurses......once I got over the pride part, I found it nice to have someone handy to ask questions of before and after.