Attending Viewing/Funerals/Memorial Services

[Cajungaltx]

Okay - gimme some input here gentlemen.

My husband has been friends with this couple since they were pretty young. Pre 18 or so. I've known them for about 8 years now. They aren't the 'best' of friends because they got married early and did the married thing... and the kid thing... and my husband didn't get married until later. But they've been friends for years. I actually met my husband - when he was at their house.

The mother of the girl - died unexpectedly on Sunday. We are close enough to them that my daughter calls her mother 'Nana'.

They are having viewing services tonight until 8pm - with the grave services & a memorial tomorrow.

My husband works tomorrow - so I called him to let him know that the viewing services are tonight until 8, and because he can't get off to attend the funeral, I think it's appropriate we go this evening. It also lets me avoid having to go during the day tomorrow, while I'm working - as I already have a Orthodontist appt for Tori, and I'm working.

He doesn't want to go. He hasn't had a long day... he isn't tired... he got plenty of sleep last night... no reasonable excuses for not wanting to go. He just 'doesn't want to'. I'd be willing to put large sums of money on the fact that he's going to come home and play a video game.

I'm slightly annoyed. No - not slightly. Signifigantly.

It's disrespectful to me, to completely disregard being supportive of this couple in this way. Her MOM died, and she's pretty torn up about it. And HE is deploying shortly - and guess which couple is nice enough to invite me over frequently... and that my 12 year old daughter STILL loves to go hang out at their house on Saturday nights... and that I go garage sale shopping with every Saturday morning... yup. They were friends with my husband long before he was my husband.

So I have to decide if I want to go this evening - and what do I say when asked: Where's Brad?

A.) He's working. (Lying)
B.) He's home playing a video game and couldn't make it (Truth!)

Or just wait until tomorrow, when he's at work, and go by myself. I swear, a rock has more empathy than he does.

So guys - do you attend funerals?

Does it take a poke with a sharp stick to make you attend funerals?

Do you think he should attend the funeral?

[robert t]

Sounds like he has an issue with death. Being in law enforcement I have been to way to many funerals and I have not been able to motivate myself to go to them anymore. Even some that are people I have worked with. The last one I went to was a dear Friend I worked with for many years. It was after his, which I totally lost it, I stopped going. Even family funerals are very difficult for me to go to, but I struggle through them.

[jeffkohn]

Even though your husband doesn't deserve it, you should probably cover for him because:

a) no need to cause any additional pain or discomfort to your friends
b) it sounds like the friendship is important to you, and if telling the truth could put a strain on the friendship that's not fair to you.

[ggeen]

So yes, I attend funerals of friends of the family. I agree with Jeff. Cover and never mention it again -- not even to hubby. Do not use it as ammunition in some future fight, nothing. Forget it! There is a reason I'm still single. I don't put up that that crap. Old news, next.

I don't want to sound too forward but sometimes things come out int the heat of the moment during a disagreement.

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by jeffkohn

Even though your husband doesn't deserve it, you should probably cover for him because:

a) no need to cause any additional pain or discomfort to your friends
b) it sounds like the friendship is important to you, and if telling the truth could put a strain on the friendship that's not fair to you.

I wouldn't ever actually say something like that. But I think that I do THEM a disservice by saying: He wishes he could be here, or whatever - when the reality is that he could have been.

[RKDauph]

I think Robert may have the right idea, an issue with death and dying. I don't know how old your husband is but many middle aged men, myself included several years ago, have a difficult time admitting to themselves that they are mortal.

[Tom]

He is being a baby and needs to go. They are lifelong friends and their mom died. I think it is downright ****ty of him not to go, especially when he has no reason not to other than not wanting to go. Yeah, no one WANTS to go to funerals. But it means a lot to the people when you go.

My grandparents died (2 in Tulsa, OK and 2 in DC) my dad's protege went to all 4 funerals. That he made the effort meant the world to my parents and even touched my sister and I.

He needs to suck it up and go.

[JohnT]

He is apparently having a hard time with this for some reason, but don't lie to cover for him. If they ask where he is, just shrug your shoulders and tell them he's at home. That's the truth.

This reminds me of my dad. He wanted to skip a couple of family funerals many years ago, but my mom insisted that he go. He went to appease her, but in the end I think he knew it was the right thing to do.

[kamekaze]

Coming from an ex airman: He is about to deploy, there are probably 1000 things going through his head right now and a funeral is the last thing he probably would want to go to. It may sound cold, but keeping high spirits now is very important, more so than attending something as solemn as a funeral. I don't see any problem with telling your friends the truth, your husband is very sorry their loss but couldn't make it. If they don't understand then maybe they aren't as good friends to him then you thought...

[J Eddington]

I hate them. I hate going to them. I wouldn't go unless I had to. It's not the death thing, it is all the family crap that comes with them. Weddings are the same way. I did not attend my brothers weddings, I will not attend their funerals. You know your husband best. I would go. Don't lie, just say, I am sorry, Brad is not able to make it. No excuses, no lies. You are sorry your husband, isn't there with you. And it may have to do with upcoming events. You just don't know.

[Flea77]

Every person handles death differently, and each person handles each death differently. I am considered by most people to still be reasonably young to have lost my brother, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, other grandfather, father in law, and mother in law. That is in addition to several friends and family friends. Some funerals I went to, some I did not. A couple I should not have. Every one of those deaths hit me differently.

I would suspect that this one hit your hubby sideways and his mind is going into protection mode. I did that with my brother. When this happens, really strange and what seems like uncaring behavior can happen. I personally would cut him some slack, I have the distinct impression his true feelings will come through soon enough.

Allan

[rusty_tripod]

Attendance at funerals is a personal thing.l Some are comfortable going. Others are not. We do not always know the reason. If going is not his thing, what he chooses to do is not important. Personally, I do not decide for another person whether or not he/she should attend. I make them aware of the event and support them in their choice. One's absence should not imply negatives or rejection of friends or family.

[Rson]

No man likes to been seen other than the rock of stability and strength. Maybe he doesn't want to be seen crying or upset. Surely he is.

[Dobick]

This seems to me like one of those things that is worth a fight over. It is going to eat you up inside if you do not find out the real reason as to why he doesn't want to go. If it turns out to be nothing more than sheepishness over funerals, or the fact that he doesn't like them (NOBODY LIKES A FUNERAL!) then you need to force the issue and find out. You can be reasoned in the fight and not pull any low blows or anything, but you need to be firm and get to the bottom of this.

Personally I think the situation warrants holding your ground. I am probably alone in this.

[Mindy H]

If I was a man about to deploy....obviously thoughts of not returning would be entering my head. A funeral would only make him suffer even more with those thoughts and probably bring to the surface what he is already having to bury down inside (I know I couldn't make it through a funeral in his situation). Your friends may not understand that now, but after the hurt of death wears off, you can explain that more. Bend the truth now to smooth things over, but reveal the truth at a better time....they will understand.