Lawnmowers & Electric Fences Don't Mix

[Cajungaltx]

This was sent by a retired Rancher from Egypt , Texas . If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE, this is funny and true.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard. A few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp Big Wheel push mower. The hot wire for the fence is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I had unplugged the charger. So I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time but I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm-down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences, but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This one I could not let go of.

The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sum now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple-check before I mow.

[danchez]

that is freakin hilarious!!! LOL.

[mrdepew]

Was hard to finish reading. Had to keep wiping the tears out of my eyes, and they were scrunched up from laughing so hard. Loved it!

[ThePhilosopher]

Meh, not my kind of funny.

[Rson]

I had a cattle fence with my mastiffs, the wire got tangled up in my lawn dudes mower and he reached to pull it out. I never heard so many vulgarities in one coherent sentence. He about jumped out of his boots.

[tropicpine]

I havent laughed that hard in I can't remember how long.

[Stargazer77517]

I had office workers come in to my office to see what the H**L I was laughing about.... Goodin!!!

[RadarPing]

Yikes! I don't do electricity. This story made me laugh and kringe at the same time. Reminds me too much of Taser School. Longest 5 seconds in history.

[tc95]

Wow...at least you know that your security works...!!!!

[Mindy H]

Dee.....honey.....you were a man in your previous life....

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by Mindy H

Dee.....honey.....you were a man in your previous life....

*roflmao*

Now I have a good explanation of my sheer delight when I walk into places like Fry's Electronics, and Lowes... ;-)



It's more likely the culprit is being the only girl with 7 older brothers, and one younger brother.....

[prncfarquad]

Thanks for putting a laugh in my computer configuration laden day!

[Angelo]

Thanks Donna, that was hilarious....