Guy input needed...

[Cajungaltx]

Okay - I recognize I'm not thinking logically about this - and pretty much all of my girlfriends think I'm handling the situation pretty well considering... I usually try the 'switched viewpoint' concept... try to think about the situation from HIS perspective... amazingly enough it helps resolve LOTS of disputes.

But it's not working so well on this one.

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night...

During training - Brad has had plenty of long days - where he couldn't talk much. Lots of 16 plus hours where he stumbles back to the barracks, showers, and goes to sleep. A quick text message for the day if he had cell phone reception.... and that was it.

I completely understood, so there was no problem at all. When he called, I was happy to hear from him...he can't tell me much of anything because of the security rules...so a lot of it is me talking about the girls, telling him about my day...

We have several accounts that have time/date accessed information on them - which we share access to. I noticed multiple accesses on a few of them on several days, and after talking with a couple of the other wives who mentioned they were so happy because they had spent quite a bit of time talking with their husbands, I asked Brad about it.

After some discussion (interrogation really because he was being evasive) he admitted that apparently there have been quite a few days that they would have a short meeting, and he would have the rest of the day off. I got a quick text message on those days too. Or he'd call at 11pm (10 his time) for a 10 or 15 minute conversation, and that was it. Last thing to get to on his priority list...

He had time off - surfed the net - helped other soldiers fix their virus infected laptop (because of all the porn downloading) - played World of Warcraft...and other stuff... and "just didn't call." There were several days that he would text me saying: I'll call you in 15... or whatever... and then I wouldn't hear from him. "He just didn't call cause he got busy/distracted/whatever." (NOT WORK RELATED!)

If he'd picked up a chair and hit me with it, I would be less hurt by that, than the 'just didn't call' comment...or having the knowledge that the girls and I are pretty far down on that priority list of his.

3 weeks ago, it was pretty rough - he was arrogant, completely unapologetic,
and created new accounts so that I didn't see he had time off. I so wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine and turn my phone off. Because I make sure I have my phone with me all the time, in case he calls...the fit hit the shan a little over 2 weeks ago...and after everything calmed down, we had a good conversation after that - he admitted he was taking me for granted...said all the appropriate things... he even did some research online and found a couples study 2 weeks ago for us to do together on a nightly basis to help have something to talk about... we're on lesson 3... and the lesson last night was on Communication... we got disconnected...signal sucks...and he went to bed and didn't call back. Go figure.

My husbands love languages are gifts, and affirmation. Tell him he's wonderful, and let him buy stuff, or I buy him stuff and he's good to go. *grin* My love languages are time, and affection. Spend time with me...and hug me. Both of which are in VERY freaking short supply during a deployment.

I send care packages every few days....cards all the time telling him much I appreciate him... being apart for a deployment freaking SUCKS.

We discussed the impact this was going to have on our relationship before he left - actually - we discussed it after the previous training schedules where similar issues had occurred. I wouldnt' hear from him, and then he'd mention (or one of the other wives would mention it to me) that they'd gone shopping and such... i.e. down time...because it is a major concern for me. Him behaving like this for a couple weeks - I can deal with. But 9 months of him behaving like this, and when he comes home, there will be so much animosity between both of us that it won't be a healthy environment. And 'sorry' isn't going to fix months of hurtful behavior that he knows has a negative impact on our relationship, and yet continues to behave that way.

I've gotten one letter from him....and a couple of emails where he requests that I do something for him, infrequent calls or text messages....and I am becoming hyper sensitive to the belief that he's acting like a selfish, inconsiderate jerk.

Part of the issue is knowledge - if I didn't KNOW he was doing this (days off, not calling home, etc) - then I would believe he was super busy and doing the 'soldier' thing. And maybe 'not' knowing might be the way to go... no shared accounts for the deployment....

But - I have issues with someone who says he really misses us, and wishes he was home, and hates not getting to spend time with me.... who then plays on his computer during times he COULD spend time with me... and places our marriage last on the priority to-do list.

He was lying by omission to me - and if I didn't talk to the other wives - I probably wouldn't have noticed at all. I'm furious and hurt. Mainly hurt. REALLY hurt....but I'm pissed off as well.

I get to see him in a few days - and I'm excited....but at the same time I'm not happy .....there is going to be one thing on his mind, and it isn't going to be 'lets sit down and discuss our communications'. *sigh* And if there 'is' discussion on communication, he'll promise to call me 15 times a day, write 14 page romantic verbiage letters, and buy me everything in the B&H catalog... as long as we move past the 'communication problem' to 'acting like bunny rabbits'.

Which is going to piss me off even MORE....

My expectations aren't huge - and they haven't changed in the years we've been together. I don't expect a 14 page hand written letter discussing our relationship in mushy verbiage... but a 15 or 20 minute phone call during the day...or more if he has the day off... or an email that was more than just a set of thinly veiled 'orders' to take care of something for him.

My awesome big brother is modeling for Harley Davidson up in Montana... he normally helps me get my head put on straight.. he's been married for 26 years and usually gives me great advice...

So he's not available until tomorrow... and I need some guy input on this issue now. What do you think are realistic expectations during a time like this?

What would be the best way to help you realize that you calling more frequently will the stress?

As a guy, what do YOU consider to be acceptable?

There was this bible verse in the communications thing we are doing that said: Cool water is to a weary traveler as good news is to a distant land. Brad said it just meant he needed to call more often. I told him I agreed, but that a weary traveler will feel refreshed, and able to go farther after he's had that cool water, than before he's had it...

[epoh]

Well, I'm not man, so I can't exactly offer their perspective, but I do want to say that retaliating for hurts, or perceived hurts, only creates more hurt and drama. Do I think your husband's being a bit of a jerk? Yes. But he's not on vacation, he's not having an affair, or doing drugs or drinking, etc. How many of the guys he's with have wives & families? I would take a wild guess that a good number of them are single, or just have girlfriends. I'm sure it's quite easy to fall into that 'single' mindset when you are away and around several other single guys, especially when he has constant reassurance of your love and affection in terms of letters/gifts/etc.

I've only been married for 8yrs, so I certainly don't have decades of experience to share, all I can say is pray pray pray, and then be direct and ask for what you want/need from your spouse. Good luck to you two.

[mdparthum]

Communication is the biggest thing ever in a marriage. I am getting married in December and currently live part time with my fiance and the other time at my home. It will be a part time living arrangement even after we are married because I have 8 months left before I can retire from the fire department. So, being apart is tough enough, but we text and call all the time. You have got to make time to do the little things and then do them. You can't think of yourself anymore, you have to think about the other person now. Silence breeds bad thoughts and anger! Talk, talk, talk, is the best answer. Not yelling or finger pointing, but just talk. Share your feelings and then listen to theirs.

Hope all turns out well, it's stressful being in the military especially now days. Hang in there!

[bryanlindsey]

1) Sounds to me like time with "the boys" is making him act...well...like a boy.
2) I would suggest trying to resolve as much as you can before you next meet in person.
3) Guys are dumb. We also relate much better to tangible consequences. "I need you to call every day. If you spend time doing something else instead, I am hurt. My day sucks. I feel sick. I cry. The girls cry. They can tell something's wrong. They ask what's wrong. What am I supposed to tell them when they ask why you haven't called?"

For what it's worth...

[andyz]

I've been married to the same woman for 26 years. When I travel, it is usually just a couple of days at a time. But when I make that call to say I love you, I am interested in how things went, but I'm tired and on the road. I am not really interested in "I got up 15 minutes late to start the day. So I was rushed all day and ..." I don't want the finite details and I don't want to talk for 60 minutes. My 16 year old will do the same. It is like getting the diary version of the day when I am interested in the hi-lites. What is important to them, not a minute by minute accounting.

Do I think Brad is justified in his actions? I can't say. But if he misses home, sometimes it is easier to deal with what you can touch and see than what you can't, and what you miss.

Communication is a 2-way event. Keep that in mind. And I'd try to address this before you get that precious time together. If not, stay focused and try not to spend that time apart emotionally or physically. Make the most of it. And a part of the most might be looking eye to eye and saying how you feel. You certainly want to know each others wants and desires before he is gone for an extended period.

[Tom]

Some guys avoid dealing with the reality of something big like being deployed by avoiding. It isn't personal and it isn't that he loves you less, he is just having a tough time dealing with everything that comes with being deployed and is dealing with that by avoiding.

[Some Idiot]

Man here

If it was me, calling you would be painful because all I would want to do is be home, I would probably burry myself if video games, Beer, or worse trying to make the time pass till I could get home.

Does this action lline up with how he acts when he is at home? Maybe there is a deeper reason why he doesn't contact you? I'm sure it hurts................both of you

With that said, he needs to man up and call your ass everyday to make sure his lady is happy.


JMO

[kenw]

what Thomas said +1

My guy experience says that women read too much into these things. Women get wrapped around the axle imagining all sorts of bad stuff when actually he's just being normal. And normal is decided by HIM, not you.

Trying to pry stuff out of him when he isn't in the mood is NOT a good idea. It just builds resentment and frustration. Giver him his space. Pressure is never going to fix anything, and in most cases it just breaks things that aren't broken.

My wife has learned to read me without me telling her every detail. It has taken 33+ years, but she's gotten pretty good at it. She knows I'll talk when I'm ready.

[Phanee]

I don't think I can add anything better than what has been already told.

But would like to let you know that this post helped me understand the 'women' side of the story. I am guilty of this kind of behavior too.

[doctahjones]

well, here's my short take on it. i'm not saying this is all guys, or that it's right/wrong, it's just my take.

i've been married, divorced, gone through -several- gf's and such, and i think i've finally landed on a girl that gets me, for the most part.

i somewhat do the same thing you're describing, but on a much shorter time frame (just during the day, not for 9 months).

it used to be if she wasn't busy at work (which was alot of the time), she would send me emails or texts about random stuff or a link to this or that. at first when i wasn't busy i'd respond all the time, but after a few months it tapered off. she got her feelings hurt and learned to not expect communications from me during the day (we live together so we usually see each other at night).

basically it boiled down to me wanting to use my free time at work for me. i'm not saying my job is -high- stress, but it has it's moments. i want to do what calms me down, not necessarily talk to my sig other. i wanted to browse other websites or do this and that. i mean i'd see her that night so what's the big importance in -having- to talk during the day? don't get me wrong if it was something important it would get responded to. but if it was something about 'check out this ______' which didn't really have any importance, then i might not respond and just talk to her about it when i got home.

since then she knows that i might not respond, and it's all good. we catch up when we're both home and everything is fine.

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by epoh

Well, I'm not man, so I can't exactly offer their perspective, but I do want to say that retaliating for hurts, or perceived hurts, only creates more hurt and drama. Do I think your husband's being a bit of a jerk? Yes. But he's not on vacation, he's not having an affair, or doing drugs or drinking, etc. How many of the guys he's with have wives & families? I would take a wild guess that a good number of them are single, or just have girlfriends. I'm sure it's quite easy to fall into that 'single' mindset when you are away and around several other single guys, especially when he has constant reassurance of your love and affection in terms of letters/gifts/etc.

I've only been married for 8yrs, so I certainly don't have decades of experience to share, all I can say is pray pray pray, and then be direct and ask for what you want/need from your spouse. Good luck to you two.

Yeah - which is why I'm posting here, versus doing something else... ;-)

I know I'm thinking about it VERY emotionally - which isn't a good thing... ;-)

[jeffkohn]

But when I make that call to say I love you, I am interested in how things went, but I'm tired and on the road. I am not really interested in "I got up 15 minutes late to start the day. So I was rushed all day and ..." I don't want the finite details and I don't want to talk for 60 minutes.

I definitely agree with this. Of course, part of it could be that I'm not real big on talking on the phone in general. When I'm away I'll call in the evening, but the conversations usually tend to be fairly short, like maybe 10-20 minutes unless there's something to actually talk about beyond "how was your day" stuff which I find to be pretty tedious.

[kenw]

Originally Posted by Phanee

I am guilty of this kind of behavior too.

I wish folks wouldn't say either side is "guilty", because it equates with one being wrong and one being right. It isn't that way at all.

We're different.

We have to understand or at least acknowledge the differences but that doesn't mean one or the other "changing". More aware, sensitive, understanding, yes (and that goes both ways!!!). But forcing one to change because the other doesn't is NOT what it is all about.

(soapbox time) To often women have the idea that they can take the almost perfect guy and change him a bit to what they really want. This is a disaster in the making. Your marriage license isn't a permit to convert him into something else. If he wasn't to your specs before you married him, well, that's the "for better or worse" part.

Guys have just as many "needs" as women, and sometimes the need is to just focus inward without a lot of distraction. It's not necessarily being selfish, it's how we process and work thru issues. Women often turn outward in stress, guys often turn inward. Sure that's a broad stereotype, but it's fairly representative.

We different. Don't try to make us the same. It's not how we were designed!

[dixonduke]

But - I have issues with someone who says he really misses us, and wishes he was home, and hates not getting to spend time with me.... who then plays on his computer during times he COULD spend time with me... and places our marriage last on the priority to-do list.

Prior military guy here. From reading your post, I feel you are just thinking too hard about this, and thus exacerbating a problem that may not even be there.

With that said, I don't feel that I need to call home every day, that is me of course, I can't interject my actions upon your husbands. But for me, I just don't think that having to call home everyday is a measure of my commitment to a relationship.

I will say that I would be wrong in promising a call in "15 min" and then to not call. That is disrespectful. I am sure that there are times when something will get in the way of a promise to call by a certain time, but I would still attempt the call the first open chance.

Now, for me, during preparation for deployment was some of the most stressful times I incurred during my time in the service. The uncertainty the who/what/where upon deployment. And to be honest, the disappointed wife that I was leaving at home did not aid in my reduction of stress. She resented that I was being deployed first and foremost. I coped with that by (right or wrong), by limiting my calls back home... put it in the category of "just not wanting to deal with it". The way I saw it, I was up between two immovable forces. 1st being a wife that did not want me to go, 2nd orders telling me to go. Each time we would speak it would get more and more emotional, not in a crazy sense, but in I am really missing her, her missing me sense. It cause me loss of sleep, anger that I was hurting her, anger at my command for shipping out... ect. For me, my coping skillset was to keep myself busy (wanting an escape) doing what ever I could to not think about the drama, love, hurt, anger ect, when ever I had down time from preparing for deployment. At no time did my commitment to my wife and marriage ever lessen, there was an element of strengthening of it because we began to talk less frequently and thus had more to share other than, "I Miss you, I love you, I'm sorry". There were no children in the picture then, so I am not sure how I would have acted differently if there were.

I am no good at giving advice, but I just want to say, don't look for problems that deep down you know are not there. To often the little things blow up to be mountains, and speaking as a guy here, it bothers me to no end, to be in trouble for something that I have no control over. Not sure if it fits, but that is me.

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by mdparthum

Communication is the biggest thing ever in a marriage. I am getting married in December and currently live part time with my fiance and the other time at my home. It will be a part time living arrangement even after we are married because I have 8 months left before I can retire from the fire department. So, being apart is tough enough, but we text and call all the time. You have got to make time to do the little things and then do them. You can't think of yourself anymore, you have to think about the other person now. Silence breeds bad thoughts and anger! Talk, talk, talk, is the best answer. Not yelling or finger pointing, but just talk. Share your feelings and then listen to theirs.

Hope all turns out well, it's stressful being in the military especially now days. Hang in there!

I'll copy and paste that 'you can't think of yourself anymore' statement for Brad. ;-)

From 'his' perspective, he's got it made. He gets cards, lots of gifts... I make a point to do the things that he needs to feel supported, etc. But the idea that you can't think of yourself anymore... only works if your partner is putting YOUR interest ahead of theirs as well.

The silence breeding bad thoughts is something Brad mentioned...for himself, not for me... but that's the difference between when he's 'here' and when he's deployed.

Cajungaltx added 1 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...Double Post Merged Below

Originally Posted by bryanlindsey

1) Sounds to me like time with "the boys" is making him act...well...like a boy.
2) I would suggest trying to resolve as much as you can before you next meet in person.
3) Guys are dumb. We also relate much better to tangible consequences. "I need you to call every day. If you spend time doing something else instead, I am hurt. My day sucks. I feel sick. I cry. The girls cry. They can tell something's wrong. They ask what's wrong. What am I supposed to tell them when they ask why you haven't called?"

For what it's worth...

Thanks Bryan... direct, and to the point. ;-)