Legal / Lawyer themes

[TxLerman]

We seem to have a lot of lawyer / legal themes in these threads these days. Since I provide Litigation support and occasionally provide expert testimony, I have seen some unusual on-goings. Here are few of my favorite deposition quotes that I found on the internet:

"Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

Witness: He said, "Where am I Cheryl?"

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Kathy."

AND

"Attorney: All right, Mr. C., is it not a fact that this witness came into this court here and admitted to having sexual relations with you in open court, in front of the jury?"

AND

Q: Is your appearance here today pursuit to a deposition notice I sent your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

AND

Q: All your responses must be oral. What school did you attend?
A: Oral

AND

" Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."

AND The Best one yet:

"Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[HeatherLou]

Oh that's funny!

I'm going to tell on myself here. In my former life (life before photography) I worked for a social worker that provided supervised visitation for people who can't be alone with there kids. I was called to testify in a divorce case. I am called to the stand and they start swearing me in. "Raise your right hand." I'm holding a file, so my opposite hand goes up. The Judge (who is a woman)smiles and says "No baby, your OTHER right hand."
I was SOOOOOO mortified. I go up and sit on the stand and look at my boss who is dying laughing at me!

[Digigeek]

After my first trial, I was talking to the judge about putting on evidence and he told me a story from one of his early trials as a trial lawyer. It was a car accident case and he represented the family of one of the drivers who was killed in the accident. He had the responding police officer on the stand and every time he asked the officer if the driver was dead at the scene, the defense lawyer would object and claim that the officer did not have the medical expertise to opine as to whether the driver was dead. In response he asked questions that led to something along these lines:

Q. Where was the driver's body when you arrived at the accident scene? A. In the front driver's seat.

Q. Where was the driver's head when you arrived at the accident? A. On the package shelf behind the back seat.

Apparently, the jury got the point.

[Cajungaltx]

One of my mediators - was doing a deposition a few years ago - asked the driver of this Semi that his clients LEGALLY parked vehicle what did he do IMMEDIATELY after the accident occurred.

His response: I woke up.

[Truckman]

Originally Posted by Heatherlou

Oh that's funny!

I'm going to tell on myself here. In my former life (life before photography) I worked for a social worker that provided supervised visitation for people who can't be alone with there kids. I was called to testify in a divorce case. I am called to the stand and they start swearing me in. "Raise your right hand." I'm holding a file, so my opposite hand goes up. The Judge (who is a woman)smiles and says "No baby, your OTHER right hand."
I was SOOOOOO mortified. I go up and sit on the stand and look at my boss who is dying laughing at me!

That sounds like Curly being sworn in as a witness in "Disorder In The Court"...Classic......Ben

[Jeff Lane]

The great federal jurist Jerry Buchmeyer recently passed away. For many years, he ran a column in the back of every Texas Bar Journal relating funny lawyer-esqe things like those David submitted. It was every Texas lawyer's nightmare to say something stupid on the record, and hear opposing counsel, "That's going straight to Buchmeyer."

Many years ago, Judge B. and I were both members of the Downtown YMCA in Dallas. One day, as I was headed to the showers (dressed as one does for that sort of thing) I literally bumped into Hizzoner, who happened to be in the same state of dress. He recognized me (even without my tie) and just broke out laughing. I was as nervous as a third-year lawyer could get. Lo and behold, a couple of weeks later, I was once again headed to the shower wearing nothing but a towel and a smile, as the judge was leaving the massage station. He looked up at me and winked, and said that if I ever gave him any trouble, he'd make sure to tell everyone in open court, and on the record, that I'd better behave myself, because he'd seen me naked. I responded that I would be forced to say the same thing, but that I wasn't impressed.

We maintained our mutual silence for the rest of his life.

Rest well, Your Honor. The whole Texas Bar misses you.