Deadbeat Mother-in-law

[sldi]

I hate to air my dirty laundry, but since I know no one on here in a personal way, it won't bother me .

My partner comes from a totally disfunctional family and considered Jim and Pat his parents. When Jim passed away from afast cancer Chris made a death bed promise to look after Pat. After tthe funeral we moved her from Pineville, LA to San Antonio and into our apt. Our biggest concern was getting her away from some family that would suck her dry of the insurance money. To accomodate her we moved from our two story townhouse style apt into a downstairs unit on one level (bad knee), extra expenses for us. It was then I find out about what a manipulative bum she was. She wanted to be waited on nite and day, and everything had to be her way. Chris fell into her trap, as she was the only mother figure in his life. I refused her and of course was only tolerated. After 7 months with us she has all her insurance settlements, the property in LA sold as well as a large workmans comp settlement from her previous employer. She decides she can't handle SA and needs to move back to LA. She winds up with a job serving meals to develope mentally challenged patients (she had been a nurse at a state facility). She somehow loses that job and the residence that came with the job. During this time she has blown thru a large amount of her money. She winds up with a small rental house and a door greater at Walmart where she lasts less than a week. THEN she meets a man, of course he has no stable employement, and is to young for SS, she is 66 and does receive SS. Now she wastefully squandered all her money, they have no jobs. All friends in LA have abandoned them since they can't suck any money. We had to send money 2 weeks ago because there power was shut off.

Yesterday in a phone call we are told THEY want to move to SA, stay for two weeks at our place while he finds a job (unskilled labor is not going to find a job in two weeks here)..

I set my foot down and delare, that if she was there I wouldn't be. That are lots of details of coniving ways I have left out since I have rambling on much too long as it is. My actual question is,, am I being an inconsiderate jerk? I would ask Dr Laura for advice but figured this story might give her a heart attack.

[Digigeek]

Dr. Laura is not a good source of advice and neither am I. But, I will tell you that 2 weeks will turn into 2 months, or 2 years, or . . ..

On another note, we all come from dysfunctional families. It's just a matter of degree.

[ldelacruz]

By partner do you mean gay marriage?

[Digigeek]

Originally Posted by ldelacruz

By partner do you mean gay marriage?

It appears that Chris and John are both male, but they are most likely not legally married.

[ldelacruz]

Poor guy! He might win the battle but he will lose the war! 2 weeks! Never! I would set them up in their own apartment and pay a months worth of rent.

[mmuhlenkamp]

You have to save yourselves, I know it's hard for your partner to accept his mother figure as being... a "loser", but it sounds like she is. She's created these problems herself, you were helping her and she didn't seem to be grateful then, she won't be grateful now and it would be worse now with her boyfriend in tow.

You're mother-in-law is an adult and somehow can't keep a simple job, she is not an invalid that can't take care of herself. I think this requires tough love, but you and your partner really need to talk these things through. You need to set boundaries and enforce them (if she comes and stays you leave, end of story).

If she's 66 and has this attitude though, I don't think she's going to change. Be supportive and understanding with your SO, but be firm on what you need. Counseling and having an objective 3rd party would probably really help you understand each other right now.

Good luck.

[Cajungaltx]

The ability to compromise is a key requirement in managing to keep your relationship healthy while limiting the impact of FOO (family of origin) issues on the relationship.

Obviously - based on the info you provided - the goal is to limit the dependency factor on them moving in with you when they are here. And more importantly - keep the '2 weeks' from turning into several months...I would suggest finding a place - not within walking distance - that offers the 1 week stays - extended stays? It might cost you a few hundred dollars, but it puts a 'limit' on your 'goodwill'. It also will give them a since of URGENCY to find a job. I would keep one or 2 ADDITIONAL weeks worth of housing expenses reserved 'just in case' - but not discussed with them - 2 weeks - that's what you are offering to do for them...

I let my MIL move in with us when her house was destroyed during the hurricane...and never again will I ever, EVER, EVER (in huge freaking 72 sized red bolded font!) do that again.

You have to bite your tongue too much when someone is a 'guest'...

You don't want to tell Chris that your not willing to help with someone that is emotionally important - regardless of whether you agree with that persons value/input to Chris. YOUR job is to support Chris.

Telling Chris that your going to leave by allowing that person to move in is just a piss poor move on your part, because you are essentially saying: "CHOOSE!!" And honestly, I'd kick your a$$ for that type of behavior. If your ALREADY dealing with one demanding, non-boundary understanding, dependent crazy person in a relationship... why would you even paint yourself with the same brush by putting that type of consequence out there? Your contributing to the problem in my opinion, not helping.

Sit down - CALMLY - and discuss YOUR concerns about them moving to SA to stay with you. Unless you were able to discuss the stress when they were with you (i.e. you stuffed it/bit your tongue/etc) previously - your going to have to talk about that time with the LEAST amount of emotion because you didn't bite the bullet then about it. Instead of offering consequences for Chris not doing what YOU want - try to come to an agreement on how to offer them assistance - without sacrificing YOUR sanity or your relationship by doing so.

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by ldelacruz

Poor guy! He might win the battle but he will lose the war! 2 weeks! Never! I would set them up in their own apartment and pay a months worth of rent.

Ha - i knew there was a reason I liked you... great minds think alike!

[mmuhlenkamp]

That's pretty expensive to pay for someone else's living expenses for even two weeks. I know that would not be an option at all for me. I think a harder line needs to be drawn. You give an inch she's going to take a mile.

Donna is right that you really need to have a heart to heart with Chris. You won't be able to make it if you guys don't decide and get through this TOGETHER.

[epoh]

Ditto Lonnie & Donna.

The real issue is you will probably forever be bailing her out. It's just a fact of life. I've got a sister who's a bit of a mess, and my parents are forever bailing her out, trying to help her, teach her about budgets, etc. It doesn't matter, at some point they have to bail her out again. It never ends.

The important bit, like Donna said, is not throwing down ultimatums but trying to encourage alternatives and ways that you can help the situation from becoming unbearable. Good luck!

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by mmuhlenkamp

That's pretty expensive to pay for someone else's living expenses for even two weeks. I know that would not be an option at all for me. I think a harder line needs to be drawn. You give an inch she's going to take a mile.

Donna is right that you really need to have a heart to heart with Chris. You won't be able to make it if you guys don't decide and get through this TOGETHER.

While I agree with you that paying for someone else's living expenses for 2 weeks would be a hardship for most people - the extended stay places can be had for $175/week. If someone moves in with you...especially TWO someones... your going to spend that amount on extra food, increase in household expenses, all kinds of stuff... with the added stress of them under your feet...

I don't 'do' credit cards - but I'd probably charge it and take the interest rate hit before I'd move them in with me.

[kimberley]

sorry your having to deal with this..but sometimes, sometimes you have to cut someone off....sometimes people wont change because they will always have someone to bail them out...I agree 2 weeks will turn into forever and heart ache, Im not sure of the answer but I dont think her esacpe her problems and dumping them on you is going to help her...shes grown and needs to get grown :)

[andyz]

So if you put them up in SA and they don't find work, they are homeless and you are closest and the only one able to help. What will you do?

Personally, I would tell them about the job market in SA and if it is hard going, ensure they understand that. It seems they can at least find work in LA. They just can't keep it. SA wouldn't be better, I wouldn't think.

If I sound bitter, my sister in law and her two kids moved in for a couple of months more than 6 years ago. Her two boys finished middle and high school and have since moved out. She is now looking for a place and expects to be out in a couple of months.

It hasn't been all bad, or all good. She has worked and paid for some of her support. But there are limits for all of us. You already have a distaste for this so personally, I'd dissuade the move from the get go.

[Howard Barlow]

You just can't help some people. They don't allow it. They are self-destructive.

[SJHester]

Donna is good,
Donna is wise