Interesting *Behavior Modification* for Kids

[HeatherLou]

Just when I think we are a step ahead, we go two steps back! So my niece got busted for shoving or punching another girl today. She says the other girl shoved her first, but no one saw anything, except my niece pounding on this girl. So, she got put on lock down (means she can't switch classes with the other kids, and has to eat lunch alone) for one day.

Her parents have anger issues (part of the reason she was sent here) However, she needs some heavy consequences for even touching another person in anger. Soooo, I have grounded her for a month to her room. No Girl Scouts, no Wednesday night church, and I had her write an apology letter to the girl. I also plan to have her write enough sentences to fill composite book, "I will not fight in school"

So, what interesting, unusual stuff have you done with your kids to get the point across........

[texkam]

I may weigh in later on this one. I smell popcorn.

[CaptainTom]

What you are doing is OK. Shows her that her actions have consequences.

I'd recommend a straightforward talk about what violence does and doesn't accomplish. A person can be strong without putting a finger on someone else.
She can't ignore that someone pushed her first, but she needs some way to express her feelings without resorting to the violence. It's like when someone cuts you off and then gives you the finger. Your initial reaction might be to run them off the road, but that doesn't accomplish anything. Maybe you just need to realize that there are some dopes in the world, and not reacting makes you stronger and better than them.

[Wes]

Popcorn? Got any butter?

Sorry - it seems that parenting, especially when it comes to the application of discipline, seems almost as divisive as politics or religion. I remember having a discussion on another board regarding the use of corporal punishment (which I agree with - within limits). Based upon the reaction I got you'd think I kicked someone's puppy.

[Tom]

I wouldn't keep her from going to church. Church should be encouraged, especially if they have emotional problems.

One great punishment is to make them walk. Not run. Not jog. Not skip. No talking. Just make them walk laps at a normal pace. Gives them some exercise and it bores the hell outta them.

Positive reinforcement helps more than consequences in the long run.

Start with small, short goals for her. Give her extra chores for the week plus having to do good in her classes and at school, and on Saturday, you get 2 hours of TV (or whatever makes her tick.)

[HeatherLou]

Well, I'm not trying to make anyone go into popcorn overload! But as most of you know, I don't have kids of my own, and just as I was getting used to that fact, my sister asked me to take her for the school year.

She and I had a very long talk about how to treat people and what to do when your angry.

I'm not so much asking for advice on how to handle it, Jeff and I are really big on personal responsibility....I'm more asking how to make it interesting and memorable, so she gets the point.

[HeatherLou]

Originally Posted by Thomas Campbell

I wouldn't keep her from going to church. Church should be encouraged, especially if they have emotional problems.

One great punishment is to make them walk. Not run. Not jog. Not skip. No talking. Just make them walk laps at a normal pace. Gives them some exercise and it bores the hell outta them.

Positive reinforcement helps more than consequences in the long run.

Start with small, short goals for her. Give her extra chores for the week plus having to do good in her classes and at school, and on Saturday, you get 2 hours of TV (or whatever makes her tick.)

Thomas,
We go to Church on Sundays as a family, but she goes to another church with one of her friends on Wednesdays. The main reason she goes is to hang with her friend.

I also do not bar her from reading either. She is allowed and encouraged to read as much as she wants.

[shutterfire]

It depends on the age and what motivates them. No Ipod worked for a while then ,no stero, and definitely no computer time works. Going too far will only reinforce the anger. Not your goal changing the behavior is. Depending on the age a month may be a little unrealistic and difficult for you to follow through with. I have found that with our daughter it often punished us more than her. Setting limitations and boundaries is definitely the way to go. Good luck. Now pass the butter.

[HeatherLou]

She is 11 and in the 5th grade. The funny thing is, she is really well behaved when she is grounded! She gets better grades, is more polite, more helpful....its like she wants to be grounded! LOL

But again, I'm really not looking for a popcorn fight. I really love this child and want to do the best for her. Being that I became a *parent* with 3 weeks notice, I'm sometimes at a disadvantage. So I'm looking for ideas that will bring the point home to her....feel free to shoot me a PM if you don't want to post here!

[SJHester]

A friend of mine, an elementary school principal, wrote a book for teachers called “catch kids being good” the premise was kids act out to get attention. I’m not sure I totally agree (my youngest son might), but this friend had the 3 best behaved kids I ever met.

You might consider allowing her to trade some grounding days for extra acts of kindness, for example if she helps the girl she hit do her chores, she gets a day early release (but then again, the parents of the other girl might not want her around), but you get the idea.
A month is a long time, for both you and her, but if done right might cause her to become closer to you as well.

Ok, I am done rambling.

[texkam]

These lines are a bit troubling.

Her parents have anger issues (part of the reason she was sent here) However, she needs some heavy consequences for even touching another person in anger.

How much of this is in response to your feelings about her parent's issues? Sounds like your emotions about her parents behavior are influencing the severity of her punishment.

I don't have kids of my own, and just as I was getting used to that fact, my sister asked me to take her for the school year.

OK, so from her standpoint she's grown up in a home with less than ideal parenting. Not a lot of positive modeling going on, at least in the anger management area. Now she's faced with the fact that her parents don't have time for her, and no knock on you, she's probably sensing that she's being dumped to someone that would rather not have to deal with her.

She and I had a very long talk about how to treat people and what to do when your angry.

Yes. ....Yes to Captain Tom. Don't get me wrong, there's a time to play the heavy and there's a time to give a hug, there's a time for punishing and a time for listening. Listen, she's trying to talk.

MHO, YMMV

[S-Man]

I didn't read the all the responses, but give her a high-five and a cookie for not taking crap from anyone.
Did I mention I don't have children?

[shutterfire]

Heather,
Parenting is no easy task and dont beat yourself up over what you do. You will make mistakes its ok. just remember 1 week is an eternity for a 11 yr old. computer time limitations are going to be your big friend very soon. There is a program called computer time it allows you to give tokens for good behavior and limits time allowed. bad behavior you can limit the time even more. It also allows you to track where they go on the net helps keep them safe. This worked extreemly well for our daughter when she was in that age group and kept me from yelling about her being on the computer so much and her grades and behavior improved.

[Hanky]

at 55 i still remember standing in the corner

[srwatters]

Rather than open a can of worms calling it 'punishment', I prefer the term behavior modification, because that's really what you're after. Each child will have some trigger that either makes them happy or something they desire. Modifying the negative behavior doesn't have to include prize or punitive action. Sometimes simply changing other actions can avoid the confrontation. I'm no expert in child psychology, but simply applying management skills learned at work. After all, aren't children at that age simply small adults? (I kid of course... pun intended ).

And if that doesn't work, get the two girls in the boxing ring and let them pound on each other for three rounds. It worked for me at that age. I decided I didn't like getting hit back...

Good luck.