Me, Pika and The Worse ...

[Digital Prophet]

So there I am, half asleep and half not awake, standing at the sink in my bathroom this morning. First of all, allow me to be the first to warn you that serious scrutiny of one's reflection first in the morning is a suicide waiting to happen. But I digress.

So I am going through the morning rituals: wash my ugly mug, brush my teeth, garggle (how the hell do you spell garggle?), floss (yes I really floss) and shave. Well at some point in this ode the the evil overlord of weekday mornings Pika came sauntering into the bathroom to sit in the spare sink and "keep me company".

Aren't I the lucky bastage?

But since he knows that my fuse is short the less time I have been awake, he was pretty much watching his step. In fact we were having a nice little conversation about the intriguing facets of fried rice. And then I started to shave.

As an aside, let me tell you that like most men I hate to shave. I mean I really hate it. Oh sure we cram three months of music into a device the size of a deck of cards. Oh sure we can send probes into deep space with ion powered engines. Oh sure we can keep Marvin Zindler alive and supplied with colored glasses. But we can't devise a way for me to shave my face that doesn't involve scraping some form of sharp metal across my jaw. Problem? You bet'cha.

Besides, I get razor burn. What can I say? I got soft senstive skin.

So back to the story:

I busted out my new electric shaver and Pika walks straight out onto the thin ice: "What the hell is that thing?!?!?"

"It's a razor. I just got it."

"I thought that skinny little black thing over there was a razor?"

"That's a razor too. This is an electric razor. It's supposed to give you a cleaner shave."

Well the concept of a "closer shave" is a completely foreign notion to the entire race of plushies. "I don't see why you shave at all. Let yourself be natural man. You don't see me shaving."

Really, what do you say to a thing like this? I mean the little guy is fuzzy all over. "Look, it's just something that dudes do. It's a guy thing."

"Looks more like a 'girls in the nightstand next to the bed' thing if you ask me. Sounds like it too."

"You can go anytime now." And with that he became quiet and I continued shaving. But eventually both things had to end.

"Sooooo ... that is a 'close' shave huh? What's with all that red irritated skin?"

"It's razor burn. Look I just started to use this thing. I think it's gon'na get worse before it gets better." And I thought that was the end of that. But of course, it was not.

"That sucks. Why do things always have to be 'worse' befor they are 'better'? Why can't things just be 'better'? Or 'better before they are even more better'?"

I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the fumes from my aftershave tonic. Maybe it was just timing. But I had to admit the little guy had a point.

Why do things always have to get worse before they get better? Why can't it just be better? Or at least why can't someone else start the job for me and take care of the "worse" and let me take over for the "better"?

And where did that logic come from anyway? I mean do things actually get "better"? Or do they just stop being "worse"? I mean if I am standing on a corner, minding my own business that is just "even". Not "better" but certainly not "worse".

Then a roaming band of highway pikas comes and proceeds to beat me about the head and neck region in an effort to mug me. Well now, things would be "worse" wouldn't they?

Ok, well once they beat me and take my wallet the beating is over and they leave. Did things get "better"? Well I suppose that not being beaten about the head and neck region is an improvement. But now I am sans the wallet. So was the chain of events more like "things get worse before they get less worse"?

Damn it I am tired of getting lubed for the "worse"! Pika and I want some "better"! And we want it now! Deliver to us three cases of canned "better" and no one will be hurt! And while you are at it, get some for yourselves too.

Prophet out.

[janetg]

one word....WOW

[Daniel Bates]

Um, sounds like a great time!

I blame it all on the gargling.

[Robin Binder]

ditto - WOW - did that really happen? I mean I don't mean to question you, dude that was deep. I feel for you.