Worst joke thread

[markperez]

I real growner

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."

"Tripod??".

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

[TxLerman]

Nymphomaniacs of America Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."


Shalom Y'all

[CaptainTom]

guy Wanna hear a knock Knock joke ?

gal Yeah, I suppose so.

guy Okay, you start....

gal knock knock


guy who's there?



think about it !!!

[markperez]

thought about it and just don't get it

[Daniel Bates]

I thought about it. And thought a little more. And besides the obvious, I'm beginning to think that the joke in the joke is that the joke is not a joke like most jokes are. Hehe.

[markperez]

Oh yeah now I get it.

Wait no I don't

[Stephen H]

You need to actually do the knock-knock joke to someone for it to work, is why you're not getting it. If you do that, you'll ask "Who's there?" and the other person is left uprepared and thus speechless.

Meanwhile...did you hear about the man that got his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.

**************************************************
The String Joke

A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. "Sorry", the bartender says, "We don't serve string here!"

The piece of string is all dejected, so he gets up and leaves. He walks down the street a ways and meets a man. "Pardon me", he says, "Could you please tie me in a knot?" "Sure", the man says, and picks him up and ties him in a knot.

The string continues down the street and meets another man. "Pardon me", he says, "But could you unravel my ends a bit?" The man says "Sure!" and picks the string up and unravels his ends a bit.

The string turns around and goes straight back to the same bar. He walks in and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

************************************************** *******

Two aggies are walking down the street. One says, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye!"
The other aggie covers one eye and says "Where? Where?"

************************************************** ******

Did you hear about the blind carpenter that picked up his hammer and saw?

************************************************** *****

And last but not least, the Toucan Joke, attached.

[scoami]

A guy hears a knock on his front door and goes to check it out. He opens the door and looks all around, but doesn't see anything until he looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. He picks up the snail, looks at it, and throws out onto his front lawn. Four weeks later, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, looks around and sees a snail on his doorstep. The snail looks up at the guy and says "Hey, what was that all about?"

[Doubletakes]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar ... bartender says "We don't serve food here."
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
2 guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
A horse walks into a bar... the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar... the bartender says "We have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
A bear walks into a bar and orders...." I'll have a beer....................................
and some peanuts." Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

[srdanz]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.



After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.



The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."



The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best

friend a brand new jet for his birthday."



The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."



The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"



One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"



The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."



The three friends said: "What a shame . . . what a disappointment."



The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[Dobick]

Two guys walk into a bar.....


You'd thought the second one would have seen it!

[Digital Prophet]

The only jokes Pika and I know would get the thread closed. So I had to steal one:

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

Prophet out.

[markperez]

damn it I laughed at this!

Originally Posted by Dobick

Two guys walk into a bar.....


You'd thought the second one would have seen it!

[kenw]

"I once had a dog with no nose."

"How did it smell?"

"Awful"

[Silvernic]

What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have under his apron??? Donuts!
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen??? Snowballs!