Me, Pika and UPS ...

[Digital Prophet]

So this morning I get into the car, ready to drag my half asleep sorry butt to the office and do it all over again. But when I open the car door what do I find? Papers. Everywhere. And there is Pika, sitting in the front seat working feverishly on something.

So naturally assuming that he is up to another ransom and/or extortion scheme I put on my work gloves and move all the papers. He isn’t going to get my fingerprints on any more extortion letter. I’m not going to be that stupid three times. So I move the papers and sit down and the little ingrate doesn’t even say good morning.

“Well good morning to you to Sunshine.”

“Can’t talk. Working.” Pika gets like that when he is up to something. He likes to say that he is “single minded”. I like to “small brained”. We have debated the matter liberally. Once with bats.

“So, uh … what’cha working on? I see you got your crayons out so I am assuming it is either a ransom note or plans to some place you wan’na steal from.” Hey, I play the odds.

“No. I will have you know that it is a business plan. A plan for a business of huge planned business potential. I’m gon’na be RICH!” And there they were little dollar sign in his eyes. I never should have gotten him those trick contact lenses.

So while he was taking out the contacts I stole a glance at his “business plan”. I got to tell you, it was a lot like the Underpants Gnomes from South Park. You know the ones whose plan was:
1. Step One: steal underpants
2. Step Two.
3. Step Three: Be rich!

Only Pika’s wasn’t that well planned out. Or so it seemed.

You see after Pika saw a History Channel special about DaVinci he started to write all his scam plans in code. Well after the special and being held for questioning. But that is another post. The point is that you really can’t read too much of what the little yellow bugger is planning once he starts scheming.

But I did make out three letters.

“Dude, I hate to break it to you, but someone already started ‘UPS’ and is rich.”

Shock and rage registered upon his little rosy cheeks. “WHAT!!! It can’t be. This is … is … a … damnit!!!!”

“Well I don’t know how you couldn’t have known that. We use them all the time.”

“No! It can’t be! Some other assbandit has my BILLIONS!” Then he collapsed on the now ruined plans for dollars and domination. I felt kind of bad for the little guy. So I gave him the “there, there” pat on the back.

“There. There. You’ll get lucky one day. And then you know what? You can be the assbandit with someone else’s billions.” What can I say, I’m a giver.

“You really think so?” Aw, he was sniffling. Apparently he had been working hard on this.

“Sure little buddy. It just won’t be with United Parcel Services.”

“Wait! What did you say?” Now he was excited again. Pika can be kind of bi-polar like that.

So while I was trying to remember where the tranquilizer darts for the gun were I repeated “United Parcel Services. You know, UPS?” Well there was an explosion of happy Pika and papers in the car.

“Woohoo! That’s not my UPS. That’s someone else’s UPS!”

So I here we are again, in the land of no sense making plushies. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“My ‘UPS’ isn’t ‘United Parcel Services’ nitwit.” He was even using air quotes. I hate air quotes. They are the epitome of the wasted hand gestures. And why stop at quotes. Why not “air exclamation points”? Or “air semicolons? But I digress.

“My ‘UPS’ is ‘Unexpected Primate Slappings’.” Oh yeah, he was proud of himself now.

“Uh huh.” I mean come on. What else am I going to say to that?

“Ok here is how it works. Someone makes you angry, right? Well you call UPS and we send them an overnight package. When the open the package a monkey pops out with a digital recorder. He then plays a recording of Samuel L Jackson saying something ‘Does he look like a bitch?’ There will be several to choose from. And then the monkey pimp slaps the recipient.”

Ok. Not a lot of things stun me into silence. But at 5:30 in the morning, the concept of mailing a movie quoting, physically abusive monkey did the trick. Long uncomfortable silence.

“Like it huh? Oh it gets better. Once the recipient is old cold the monkey will put the recorder back in the box and take out the return address label. When we send the monkey out we will also schedule a same day pick up. Oh and the monkey may or may not defile the bathroom with his little monkey business. That part depends on the monkey of course.”

“You are a twisted little psychopath. Do you know that?”

The Pika gets all indignant. “Well just for that you can’t be my gardener OR pool boy. So there.” And with that he went back to his “UPS” plans.

He is my burden on earth. I just know it. Maybe I should get him some mental help.

Prophet out.

[Davidtxs]

“So, uh … what’cha working on? I see you got your crayons out so I am assuming it is either a ransom note or plans to some place you wan’na steal from.”
So you actually trust him with MORE than ONE crayon ?? your a brave soul

[Twisted]

Pika RAWKS!

[babybluetx23]

HECK YEAH PIKA!!!! Go get your BILLIONS!!!! hahaha

[Night Owl]

Oy. Time to adjust the lithium again!

[DEMDeepEllumMusic]

Man Pika needs to add the poop throwing option in where the monkey slings all of the shipping crates contents at the recipient after slapping them.

Now is he looking at rhesus or spider monkeys to do this?

BTW was this plan done in shades of BLUE crayons or were they leaning towards ORANGE? We need to know what alert levels we are at!