Parents: Kids and college

[JohnT]

Let's try this again but with the poll this time.

I have a friend who believes his son's college choice should be a joint decision between him and his son. Two reasons for this: 1) He wants to make sure his son chooses a college that will help him achieve his career goal; 2) My friend is paying for it. His son doesn't want his help but wants to make the decision on his own.

As a parent, what do you think?

[ndsimm]

Being in that situation now, it was a joint decision between my daughter and me. she made the ultimate choice, but I gave plenty of input and asked questions to get her to think...why this school? what does it offer, etc...if she could convince me of the reasons, then we went with her choice, but since I am paying part of the cost she had to get my input!

[Debbi]

Totally agree with Nathan.

[Daniel Bates]

Ditto Nathan. It's their education and they need to take it seriously, or they won't be motivated to continue - but Dear Ol' Dad has a lot of years of wisdom, and that needs to be factored in as well.

[shawn patrick]

My parents let me go where I wanted, drive what I wanted and be what I wanted. As long as I paid 100% for it.

[Erin Kathleen]

Given, my daughter is only one so we have a number of years to think about this, but to me...Input is ok, but I think at the end of the day it's up to the kid...as long as they can afford it. Parents can pay whatever they can pay (or want to pay) and kid has to find the money for the rest. AND it should be up to the kid IF/WHEN they go at all. My parents (and society in general) pushed my younger brother into college and a specific college that was totally not right for him. Both he and I had been saying that it would be better for him to take a few years off, but he was smart with decent grades, upper middle class family so he went. 5 1/2 years later and after tens of thousands of dollars of our parents money, he just neglects to enroll one semester. Eventually my parents find out (when the checks start coming back) and bring him home at 22 trying to help him get his life back on track. He's now 25 and moving in with me and my family in the next month or so to (hopefully) go back to school after he has lost the one and only job he's had since college. He's still a mess on a good day. My older brother has a similar story - flunking out of three schools in less than two years with his parents still paying because they wouldn't let him play basketball. At 32, he nearly has his degree (long story, but he officially "walked" but is still 3 credits short of an actual degree) and is doing ok not great managing upscall tennis clubs just outside NYC (so even in his major, which eventually was Sports Management). If I learned anything from my parents and my brothers, it's that you can't force a kid to go to college and actually make something of himself or herself. They gotta do that on their own. And depending on the kid, the more you push, the faster they run.

I should add that I do have my degree in Aerospace Engineering and I got it in three years, but it was what was right for me...not for them. I just keep hoping my baby brother will get back on his feet one of these days and actually give a $hit.

Ok, ok, getting off my soapbox now. Sorry for the long monologue. Probably way more personal information than y'all ever wanted to know.

[bbailey]

While not a parent, I think a parent's advice is helpful in this arena. I know it was for me. I actually wish I had asked more questions. And when I say that I mean really helping, not the "I went to the University of Whatever, so that is where my kids are going" type of advice. Growing up in College Station, I saw a lot of my fellow high school classmates have to deal with that from A&M alumn parents, and it wasn't a good thing.

[JohnT]

Good responses so far. My friend's son wants to be an attorney, but the undergrad college he has picked is not a "big name" school so he might have a difficult time getting into law school regardless of his GPA and LSAT score. My friend has been told that the undergrad school weighs heavily in law school admission. His son claims to have been told differently. This is the crux of their disagreement and division right now. This thing has gotten really serious to the point where the son doesn't want any input from the dad, which is actually out of character for this kid. I know him, and I'm having hard time believing it myself.

[HotHolly]

My parents were so out of the loop when I went to school - and my mom was a teacher. Unexpected. They told me not to go to her alma matter. And to pick some place that didnt have an insane pricetag - if i did, it had to have a scholarship. I choose 5 colleges - 4 in NY and 1 in TX. The TX one was the no no school. I accepted a full ride to an art school in NY and rejected the other 3 NY schools. A few weeks before classes started I wondered why I hadnt heard from them. I called up to find out the where abouts of my financial aid packet and newbie papers, and they were like - who are you? As you can imagine, I freaked. The school lost my entire file! My art scholarship, essay, recommendations, transcript - all gone. The only school I didnt decline was in TX. Hee haw! Thats my college story. I got 2 useless degrees and Im back to art.

Short version (in my jaded judgment) it doesnt really matter where you go - it matters what you do with it.

I think I have passed the hour of coherency, so grain of salt and all that. Oh and I was gonna say - I would have checked 'Child - with scholarship' can pick. Follow the money! And hope they dont loose your file...otherwise you end up 2000 miles away from home. And that's how Holly ended up in TX. Tah - Dah!

[Dobick]

A friend I had in college had parents that came up with the best solution I have heard of to date.

When the kid was 18, his dad wrote him a check for $30,000. Told him, "Your school is now paid for, go make it happen. If you need more than that, I hope you can earn it, if you use less than that, then it is yours. If you don't want to go to school at all, so be it. Go make something of your life, and let us know how it works out for you."

I met the guy when we were seniors. His final semester was paid in full, and he still had 10k left in his account.

Obviously, you wouldn't spring that kind of responsibility on someone at the last minute, and you would be working your whole parenting life to get them ready to accept the challenge, but once you get them there, what they do is up to them. I wish my parents had done this with me. I would have at least got my irresponsible years out of the way a lot quicker, and got on my way to adult hood when I had to stand on my own two feet.

[HotHolly]

Originally Posted by Dobick

When the kid was 18, his dad wrote him a check for $30,000. Told him, "Your school is now paid for, go make it happen. If you need more than that, I hope you can earn it, if you use less than that, then it is yours. If you don't want to go to school at all, so be it. Go make something of your life, and let us know how it works out for you."

That must be nice. Somehow I doubt I'd be in Texas if I got that offer.

[carrbowl]

We have a similar deal with our kids, we have XXX dollars for their college and if they don't have to use that money for school they get the money for a car...Now as far as where they go...that's kind of tough. We have 4 kids in 5 years...so college for us is going to be fun. Luckily for us we had great parents and finacially we are set. But the best advice we got was pick a school for them and buy a house for them to live in. When they all finish, sell the house. Now if that really works out, we'll have to see we've have several more years before it plays out...

[JenJohnson79]

As the goof off student still working on her degree at 27 years old. . . I resented my mom's input and by input I mean "You go here, get this degree, and I'll pay." Needless to say, Get this degree didn't go over well. . . and now I'm paying for my own college with my husband's help. And getting a degree in education. . . joining the ranks of the under paid, unappreciated. . .but we love our work! But because of my goofing off and not wanting to get the degree my mom was forcing upon me. . .it's taken several years of doing it on my own. . . and now I have about 10 classes left for my BA. There were lots of semesters missed because I would work full time to save up for classes and so forth. . . so my advice would be if a parent is offering to pay for college. . . it should be just that give the advice and write the check but don't force your goals for your child onto your child. By the way my mom is a CPA, CFO, CEO, and vice president of her company. . . and could easily afford to pay my measely tution with a fourth of her paycheck. . . and doesn't because she doesn't agree with me being a teacher. . . not trying to sound like a brat. . . but shouldn't she be happy that I wanted to go to college??? I'm the oldest of 5 and the only one with any college in under my belt. . . my 24 year old sister failed out of my mom's choice of college her first semester. . . I at least made it through 4 semesters before I said to hell with this. . . it's not what I want to do! My brother at 20 has no college experience and is working selling shrimp on the side of the road out of a truck, and my two 17 year old sisters. . . i see one being college bound via scholarship. . . and the other. . . not so much.

[my3peas]

I kind of have the same reasoning as Kent's example. Raise your kids to make good decisions, be confident in them, support them and then let them go the route they want to go. Sometimes it's not college and sometimes it is. If the kid already knows he is going to college, that's a great step right there, and the parent should feel confident that he will make the right choice for himself. I know it's got to be scary not being in control of your money, but investing in your kid, and letting them know that you support and trust them has got to be worth it, IMO.

Of course, my oldest is 5 and only "graduated" kindergarten yesterday. My view may change in another 12 years. :)

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