Pixtus - Photography Forum, Photographers, Photo Tips

Wes · **Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop - Humor -** 08-11-2007, 10:53 PM

I couldn't resist posting this one here....

----- Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop ...

... I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Patty. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety. -----------WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Patty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Faces, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Faces (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Faces looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Terrancelee · 08-12-2007, 12:18 AM

I hate to laugh .. but I can't help it! Least you know she'll be able to defend herself. Hopefully she won't want to try it out on you to see if it works, for herself.

BlueStar-57 · 08-12-2007, 01:16 AM

Curiosity will kill a cat :), so I'm really glad Faces didn't suffer from the test. Needless to say I knew what would happen if it worked since it's the basis in electricity-stuck till dislodged.

Now the next test or question. The perp has to be close enough to use it on, if they have you in their grips and you hit them with it will it affect you since electricity travels? To me it's kind of like bringing a knife/bottle to a gunfight. I also hate guns, and it took several needless deaths before I was willing to carry one. Something is better than nothing though and a cell phone is nothing when it comes to defense since even if they know exactly where you are 98% of the time help arrives too late.

Terrancelee · 08-12-2007, 02:13 AM

Well, the person with the stun gun "shouldn't" feel anything, as the electrical current isn't going to ground through the person, but instead going from one electrode to the other through the tissue between them. They are designed to dump a large voltage with very little current, usually along with a pulsing effect that will disrupt the electrical signals in the human body. The high voltage is why you couldn't let go .. locked up your muscles. Cattle prod "hot shots" work similar but nowhere near the voltage level. You are able to let go of the button when you inadvertently shock yourself with one of those. Yes, I know first hand. :)

J Eddington · 08-12-2007, 07:14 PM

Wes, thanks for sharing. I still have tears running down my face. All that and you didn't take any photos!

Teddington · 08-12-2007, 09:02 PM

Wes, what I want to know is ... did Faces get any photos!!!!!

ndsimm · 08-12-2007, 09:29 PM

ROFLMAO!!!!

Thank you for the Public Service Annoucement!

CCGamer · 08-12-2007, 09:32 PM

My wife and daughter just came running down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about in my office - I was laughing so hard they thought I was having a seizure...

Gleep · 08-14-2007, 02:53 AM

I had forgotten about this joke. I enjoyed seeing it again!

<edited for spelling error>

darktiger · 08-14-2007, 07:56 AM

that is awesome. Reminds me of my brother and one of those dog barking control collars, well that is another story...

shutterflypro · 08-14-2007, 09:46 AM

At mojito madness last night this was great. Coby was reading and the rest of us could not be held up we were laughing so hard....

CobyPhoto · 08-14-2007, 09:50 AM

I can't belive you didn't video tape this! LMAO You would have had THE best video on Youtube for months! I couldn't quit laughing the first time I read this...and it was extremely hard to read it again at mojito!

Thanks for the great laugh!

CJ