Low Self Esteem? Get your driver license renewed

[Night Owl]

[Preface: I know its a long shot, but I really hope no TPFers were there. If I described you in this post....yikes....sorry.]

October being my birth month and having not renewed my license in nearly ten years, it was time to bite the bullet and visit the DMV. My last experience with license renewal involved three hours in a dank waiting room, surrounded by the sick and the smelly. So it was with great trepidation that I made my way to the nearest DMV office, hopeful I’d escape by November and with no more contagious diseases than I had before.

I planned my trip with careful consideration to many factors. Where is the closest office? Twenty minutes away. No one lives or works close to a DMV. Should I go first thing in the morning or wait until afternoon? Morning was ruled out, because that’s when the I’ll-just-pop-in-on-my-way-to-the-office crowd hits. By the time those folks clear out, the lunch-breakers start arriving. Wait too late and you’re stuck in rush hour traffic going home. I concluded that early afternoon was my best option. Most lunch breaks are over and the teeny-boppers from the high schools haven’t been paroled for the day.

My spirits lifted when I arrived and found the parking space nearest to the doors was wide open. I spied a tasty bird walking in and decided a dash of cologne wouldn’t hurt anyone. But the moment I walked in, I felt like how I imagine many office dwellers feel when they enter their Cubicle of Doom. A legion of the damned was ahead of me, but there didn’t seem to be too many of them and I could always survive by eating the weakest if the wait got too long.

Anticipating the wait, I came prepared. Modern technology has come a long way in the past decade. A tattered magazine or newspaper was once the only way to pass the time in the mire. Today, I came equipped with an iPod and an innernets-equipped mobile phone. I didn’t really need the phone, after all, and the iPod came in handy only to drown-out others’ idle chatter and the dismal soundtrack of a government service office. Most of my entertainment came from the simple act of people watching.

Several in the herd were busying themselves with their phones: checking email on a Blackberry or text-messaging about their misery to someone who likely didn’t give a damn. One cute, young lady was with an older gent I assume was her grandfather and their conversation about boys and school and sock hops seemed to entertain (or, at least, hold the attention of) a few of the unaccompanied around them.

One remarkable couple stands out in my mind. Alexandra and Jared were both ahead of me and were apparently a couple. I did not introduce myself to acquire their names. Didn’t need to. Each had the other’s name tattooed on their backs at the base of the neck. They were fresh tats, too, as there was still some redness around the lettering and they were still shiny with Vaseline. Jared was an oafish young man with a hairy back and undefined muscular structure (read: “chunkiness”) that could not be concealed by his wife-beater shirt. Carrying Alexandra’s bejeweled purse wasn’t helping his image, either. Alexandra – at first glance – was a striking brunette with an outstanding, stripper-quality build. But at closer inspection, she was a little rough in the mug and during a break between Nessun Dorma and the Grand March from Aida, I heard her raspy voice, which totally killed any hint of attractiveness.

Not long after my arrival, a mother and her daughters joined the Conga Line of Misery. Mom was quite a number. Her gargantuan bosom joined with her ample posterior to make her as wide as she was tall. She had the leathery face of a smoker, which I confirmed as she passed and I caught a whiff of Virginia Slim about her. She wore a black tank top with the “Welcome To Las Vegas” sign stretched grotesquely between those breasts. Just to complement the "white trash chic" look, one daughter appeared to be about 15 and was as pregnant as one can get. She and her sister (14ish) giggled and told secrets while they waited and they groomed each other by picking at the other’s hair in a very simian fashion. Because I was plugged in and the Silversun Pickups were in mid-jam, I couldn’t hear what they were asking Mom, but the younger daughter was making a circle with her thumb and index finger. She seemed to be asking about the size of something and enlarged or decreased the diameter of the circle based on her mother’s responses. She then looked down toward her preggo sister’s bulbous belly and I felt faint when I realized what she was trying to envision.

Another young man in line ahead of Jared and Alexandra looked as though he’d just come from the hair salon. His coif was spiked and gelled in the same way every other Guido frat boy’s is done. His one-size-too-small Hollister shirt crept up enough on the upper arm to reveal a tattoo I’m positive he’ll regret in the future. Somehow, the preppy look wasn’t complemented by a devil snorting puffs of smoke through it’s nostrils. His mom was quite a stunner, though.

Perhaps most-entertaining was a ditzy blonde ahead of me. Not particularly attractive, with a beak-like nose and a bad complexion, she was obviously stressed out by the whole ordeal. By the time I rounded the last corner and was in the home stretch, she had been trying to complete her renewal for several minutes. Signing the electronic signature pad completely flustered her and she repeatedly clutched her forehead when she screwed it up. “Oh my God, I messed up! I have to redo it.” Her next task was to place her left thumb on the little laser pad. No. Left thumb. That’s your right thumb. No. Other left. Good. Now the right one. No. That’s your left again. More pacing and hair grabbing. She protested that the whole process was so confusing. For a DMV clerk, the one helping her was exceedingly patient. “Let’s get your picture taken, darlin’.” Doofette turned and faced the blue background. “Ma’am, I need you to turn around and face the camera.” Why? I thought, The back of her head is the most attractive part. Certainly the more intelligent-looking. “What do I do? Do I smile? Tell me.” “Just stand there.” Finally! Something she can’t possibly screw up! Wrong. She turned around again. Not helping matters (but certainly understandable), the woman in line ahead of me snorted in a stifled chuckle. This flustered Doofette even more and when she completed the process, she bolted to the exit, presumably to go home and cry into her pillow or take a handful of sleeping pills.

Finally, it was my turn and I drew the station immediately to the left of where Doofette had just been standing. My clerk and Doofette’s were exchanging their frustration and amazement with their previous project, so I felt it was my job to lighten the mood. “Can I help you?” “Yes, I’m here for a haircut.” [giggle] “You don’t want me around you with sharp instruments right now.” “Fair enough. I’ll settle for a driver license.” Sign. Thumb. Thumb. Smirk. Flash. Sign and done in under a minute. It was the least I could do.

Besides, I wanted to get the hell out of the parking lot before Doofette came back in and went postal.

[Daniel Bates]

I vote... Digital Prophet II!

That was a good read, Matt.

[Terrancelee]

I think you have a future in writing. :)

[lscottpht]

Originally Posted by Daniel Bates

I vote... Digital Prophet II!

That was a good read, Matt.

Hahaha...definitely! That was great! Hey, where is DP anyway?

[Terrancelee]

I think Pika ate his fingers, he's been quiet for such a long time.

[Night Owl]

Originally Posted by lscottpht

Hey, where is DP anyway?

He hooked up with a girl named Alexandra and moved to Houston. Wait a tic...

[Concisus Cognatus]

“Let’s get your picture taken, darlin’.” Doofette turned and faced the blue background. “Ma’am, I need you to turn around and face the camera.”

Man, that is a great piece of writing. If you're not a writer of screenplays, then, you should consider becoming one. It is just too funny. LOL

BTW...I'd love to use this piece to produce a short. Let me know if it would be OK.

[Night Owl]

Originally Posted by nikkonhobbyman

“Let’s get your picture taken, darlin’.” Doofette turned and faced the blue background. “Ma’am, I need you to turn around and face the camera.”

Man, that is a great piece of writing. If you're not a writer of screenplays, then, you should consider becoming one. It is just to funny. LOL

BTW...I'd love use this piece to produce a short. Let me know if it would be OK.

Sweet. Knock yourself out!

I don't think I have enough focus to write much that's longer than this one. I have a few more on my *ahem* MySpace page.

[mjdmike]

Great story Matt. Hilarious.

[ndsimm]

Originally Posted by nikkonhobbyman

“Let’s get your picture taken, darlin’.” Doofette turned and faced the blue background. “Ma’am, I need you to turn around and face the camera.”

Man, that is a great piece of writing. If you're not a writer of screenplays, then, you should consider becoming one. It is just to funny. LOL

BTW...I'd love use this piece to produce a short. Let me know if it would be OK.

I can see it now....
new this fall on NBC, the new comedy...DMV

[Concisus Cognatus]

Originally Posted by ndsimm

I can see it now....
new this fall on NBC, the new comedy...DMV

Yeah, great potential for a hilarious sitcom.

[JamesB]

you know you can renew on line and avoid the hazards of the DMV office

James

[OTRphoto]

Thanks for the chuckle..

And I know what you mean.. Sometimes those visits do wonders to make you feel a little higher up the chain... lol

[Night Owl]

Originally Posted by JamesB

you know you can renew on line and avoid the hazards of the DMV office

Not this year. I guess they figured I needed a new pic after 10 years. I just wish they'd let me Photoshop some additional hair on the ol' scalp.

[Hanky]

LOL, they made me come in too.