"Sir, thats not your garage..."

[Murph]

I was thinking back about old calls for service and recalled one that still makes me laugh 12 years later.

The scene, a cold Christmas eve night around 10 pm, I am patrolling, and enroute to a call for loose livestock. I pass a carwash and see a pickup truck parked in a stall. Its below freezing out, with a strong wind. I decide to pass and go put up the cattle.

An hour later after having run about a dozen head of cattle back into the fence, I am going back to the Sheriff's Office (S.O.) to do my last reports of the night, because I want to go home. I drive past the car wash and the truck is still there. Hmmmm, think I, so I turn around and pull in behind the truck.

I get out, and walk up to the truck, which is off, and see a guy slumped in the seat. Well, I think immediately: Suicide. So I bang on the window, and rattle the locked door. A hand comes up and knocks back feebly.

Me: "Sir, are you alright?"

Him: "Yep, I drunk."

Me; "Sir, can you open the door?"

Him: "Yep"

Me (looking in and seeing beer cans scattered like pistol cartridges): "Sir have you been drinking?"

Him: "Yep"

Me: "How much have you had to drink?"

Him: "I lost count after the first 18 pack".

At this point I am stunned because every cop knows the answer to that question is almost always: "Two Beers" regardless of the real amount.

Me: "Do you know where you are?"

Him: "I'm in my garage!"

He was parked perfectly in the car wash stall.

Me: "No sir, you are in a car wash".

Him: "Nope, I'm in my garage."

Me: "No, you are in the carwash"

Him: (falling out of the truck): "I'll be d@mned! I'm in a carwash!"

Ok, he is not driving, he has not lied to me, his attitude is decent, its Christmas Eve, so unless he gets real stupid, he IS NOT going to jail for a silly Public Intoxication arrest.

Me: "Can I call someone to take you home?"

Him: "My brother lives at xxxxxxxxxxx"

Well heck, thats less than 10 minutes from here. So I call dispatch, have them call his brother (this is before I had a cell phone), and told them to tell his brother to bring another driver because the guy was "under the weather", which was our code for stinking drunk, but not going to jail.

A little while later the brother and his wife show up in her brand new still smelling like a showroom Cadillac. We get the brother in the back seat, and they are thanking me for not arresting him, and being so nice, when he says:

Him: "I don't feel so go.....*BARF*" He then proceeds to vomit all over the front drivers side of the car, and I mean projectile massive barf. The brother then looks like he is pleading with heaven for a lightning bolt, and the Sister in law just stands there making whimpering noises. I, deciding that I don't want to be there for the homicide, tell them: "Merry Christmas, see you later", and I leave a Mach 4.

Five minutes later a drunk puts me in the ditch, and thereby starts ANOTHER funny drunk story on Christmas morning at 0030 hours......

[Concisus Cognatus]

That's a good one. Isn't it funny the drunks almost never get hurt in wrecks. I know it's not 100% true, but, too often an innocent person or people in another vehicle will be maimed or killed and the drunks walk away with nothing more than a few scratches.

[Goaliesgirl]

I have had a really long day and this made me laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing!

[Gambit]

I wanna hear the other funny drunk story. :)

[loana0320]

heheheh tooo funny!

[Murph]

Having done my good deed for the day, I am on my way home, deciding to do the reports tomorrow since all the reports were cow calls, or alarms. I am coming up to the city limits of one of our small towns, when a car suddenly swerves into my lane, forcing me into the ditch. The car then goes off the road, spins around and heads back the way it came.

I get out of the ditch and pull the car over. As I am walking up to the car, I see the lady doing something with her hands, so I unholster, and walk up with .45 drawn but down by my leg. She is throwing beer cans out of the window on the passenger side.

Me: "Can you step out of the car please?"

Her: F**K YOU

Me: Ma'am, please step out of the car.

Her: F**K YOU Pinche Puto!

Me: Ma'am, get out of the car, or I will help you out.

Her: Alright, alright, I am getting out of the pinche car, you puto cop.

She gets out of the car and staggers almost falling. She smells like a second hand brewery.

Me: "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink?"

Her: "Two F**king beers"

I am looking at the beer cans, and there is at least a 12 pack in the car. Another deputy shows up, and we get her to give us her drivers license, and she drops it down between the window and the door, and so its in the door frame. I call for a trooper to run the intoxilizer, and cuff her and put her in the back of my car where she starts screaming at me in Spanish. She manages to get her feet wedged under the cage, and keeps screaming and cussing at me in spanish, so every now and then I key the mike to let dispatch know what is going on. This is pre-video cameras in the car.

I get her to the jail, and she is screaming "dios mio" and pinche cop, I have eight BIG jailers waiting on me (it pays to be nice to the Detention Officers, they help you when you are in trouble). They manage to get her out of the car after a rather interesting fight, which I stand back and watch.

We get her into the intoxilizer room and the trooper is going through the DIC-25 and other paperwork, the video camera is running, when she suddenly grabs her chest and screams;

her: "Mi Corazon, Mi Corazon, heart attack". Then she stops, looks at us, looks at the camera, and does it again.

The trooper and I are looking at each other in disbelief, and finally, after the fifth repetition of this, where she falls to the floor, I tell him, well we better call an ambulance.

We take her to the hospital, and Dr. B, who I know well comes out, and says to me;

Dr. B: "Oh, I see you have Connie. Did she have another heart attack?"

Me: Huh?

Dr. B: "Oh yeah, this is her third or fourth this month, she claims a heart attack every time she gets arrested for drunk driving. So is she under arrest?"

Me: "Nope, not at all, I was just a courtesy ride." No way the county is paying for this, I file on her later.

Her attorney gets into court, sees the video, and tells her she is pleading guilty, and taking whatever they offer. She gets 30 days lockup, five DWIs later she gets 10 years.

[photosbysergio]

So that's where my Aunt Connie disappeared to!! Just Kidding!!!

Murph, I honestly think you should write a book!! You probably have hundreds of stories like these.

[Goaliesgirl]

You should write a book. At any point did you actually make it home during this wonderful evening?

[mjdmike]

Great stories Murph, funny stuff. Thanks for sharing these, and hope to see more.

[Murph]

I got home at 0400 on Christmas morning.

Originally Posted by Goaliesgirl

You should write a book. At any point did you actually make it home during this wonderful evening?

[boxofrocks]

Those are funny, Murph. My late step dad rode motors for the City of Miami PD back in the 50's and 60's. He had a few stories to tell, too.

Not the best paying job in the world, butit sure can get "interesting".

[Mandy]

Those are too funny. Sad, but funny.