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[Debbi]

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[epoh]

I think all you can do is try to remind him of the good things, and pray (or meditate, if that's your thing.) *hugs*

[idnurse41]

Debbi-I do have so much advise for you, but prefer not to put it out here-unless you want it that way. My email is (idnurse41@att.net)
Good luck to you and your family as this can be a very challenging time.
Pam

[Wes]

How do I come to terms with the fact that my father may want to die? He’s my daddy. I know he loves us but maybe not enough? Doesn’t he want to spend another 20+ years with my mom? Are we not special enough, important enough to want to be here? I don’t understand, may never understand. Aren’t we worth trying to get better? He could you know. He just has to move. Not climb mountains – just move. How do you prepare yourself for the fact that he would rather leave us than to move?

Maybe I really am selfish. I’ve been told that before.

Yes, you are being selfish. But so what? Aren't we all? All but a very few of us would love to hang on to our mother and father for as many years as we want. However, WE are not the Author of Life and it's not natural for a parent to outlive his/her children.

I know he hates being in the hospital. Don’t we all? He so very ill but can get better. He can but will he choose to do so? Won’t he at least try? Past experience tells me no. God, I hope we are wrong. I’ve cried; I’ve prayed. I don’t know what else to do except try my best to prepare for what may be to come. Man, this sucks big time.

You and I talked about this on the phone for a while. I dealt with the exact same thing with my own father after his cardiac arrest 22 years ago. All the docs and therapists told him that he HAD to get out and exercise. The problem is that he was too afraid. Just like your dad, mine wouldn't say a thing. I guess that it's a guy thing, but I can't think of many grown men that would admit to being afraid - especially to his own kids. Maybe he's dealing with depression, which is supposed to be pretty common among heart attack victims. Check out this link as it may be very helpful for you to understand what's going on: http://my.clevelandclinic.org/heart/...nandheart.aspx

I honestly need to think and pray about this some more. One thing that I would suggest..... write him a letter. Include the contents of what you wrote above along with anything else that you need to let him know. Explain to him that you're not ready to let go of him yet; explain to him that he has so much more to live for. After you have written your letter, read it to him, and give him a copy. It will give him something tangible to go back and re-read over and over again. This will put skin on your emotions and allow him to see and understand what all of this means to you. Also, I would highly recommend that you talk to a pastor. I'd be happy to set up a lunch between you, me, and one of my pastors if you would like. I really want you to think about this one.

We'll talk more this week.

[Debbi]

Thank you, Pamela! Thank you also, Wes! I appreciate it!

[dcnctx]

I can only say, I hope for the best for you, your family, and your father.

It is important to remember that life's perspective changes the longer you live. It is impossible to know for sure the motivations behind your father's feelings since you have walked in your moccasins and not his. Life has many peculiar twists and turns and in this day and time one's viewpoints can be clouded by many outside influences. You can only hope for the wisdom to know how to communicate and deal with the dilemma that exists right now. I believe that wisdom only comes from a source beyond ourselves.

Often in life, we find that what we want seems beyond what we believe is actually possible leading to the feeling of defeat before we ever make an effort. Is this wrong? Quite possibly but that fact is not enough to break the negative grip that allows such thinking. Your father has to continue to see the love that makes you want him to stay. This alone may be his only grip to hang on to. (I'm sure there are probably others, but one never knows what gives people the will to continue.) But I also must say that this is his battle; you cannot fight it for him as much as you desire to. I hope he wins!

With time your perspective will change and can give you understanding. I would point to faith and miracles as well. You can seek those things with faith, with you and others making your desire known with prayer but these difficult situations of life, I'm afraid, are beyond our feeble human abilities. Often the future is out of our hands.

I would say one other thing, enjoy each day with the same desire you have for your father to remain here with you and your family. We know not what tomorrow holds for good or bad and as you are allowed more time enjoy and soak up those precious moments as never before. Not that you should be a different person but a more concious person in the times you are together.

My prayers are with you. God bless.

My best hopes are with you and your family and I pray that your next father's day has your dad beside you still.

[Debbi]

Thank you so very much, DC! I can't thank you enough!!!!

[J Eddington]

Tell him how you feel. Ask him what he feels/believes. What does he want. Talk to him, respect him and try to understand how he feels. I know it is hard. My prayers are with you.

[Debbi]

Originally Posted by J Eddington

Tell him how you feel. Ask him what he feels/believes. What does he want. Talk to him, respect him and try to understand how he feels. I know it is hard. My prayers are with you.

Thank you, Janice! I am trying really hard to understand how he feels but I'm not getting it (that selfish thing again). I just want him to be here and love me like he always has.

[LDB]

If he is a man of strong faith he may be longing for paradise and thinking of that compared to his current situation. My mom had major challenges for a number of years. She reached a point where she refused to fight anymore. I'm sure she could have had a few more years but they would have been years of pain and discomfort like so many before. She chose to go on to paradise. That may be his motivation as well.

Alternatively it may be he is focused on the man being "the man" and taking care of everyone and everything. In his medical condition he can't be superman anymore so it messes with his mind. I think all you can do is love him and let him know what he means to you. Good luck.

[Jeff_Green]

The hard thing for a guy to do is to admit that he is afraid. I went through this with my father after my mom passed away (at age 55). He wanted to make sure everyone was okay, but he wasn't. He struggled through depression for 4 years before breaking down this last year. I understand it is a scary time when someone doesn't want to fight anymore. Doesn't feel like life is the reward they want to fight for. It took him totally hitting rock bottom to admit to us what was in his head and heart and we (my brothers and I) are partially to blame.

That is why I encourage you to be frank and honest with him about his feelings. They will probably be scary to you but let him talk to you openly about what is in his heart. Let him get it out, don't keep interrupting him saying "no, don't think like that" or whatever. That lets him know you want to hear him making him more likely to open up to you and in turn he will be more likely to listen to you.

That is all that I can think of to offer. If you have any questions for me, feel free to PM me.

Jeff

[carrbowl]

We went thru this with my father in law. He had emphysema (sp) and was on full time oxygen with 1/4 total working lung. He said when you can't breathe nothing else matters. His wife came down with cancer in Feb and died the day after Mothers Day. We found out he couldn't even bathe himself. After several months we found out he was sleeping with a loaded gun at the head of his bed ( and not for protection) and had written his obitutuary saying he died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. We never know what God has planned...but obviously he has something else planned for your Dad or he would have taken him by now....and that's what I kept telling my f-i-l... It's tough to watch a loved one go thru this...just keep encouraging him, and enjoying the time with him.

[Daylon]

As someone who lost a father 3 years ago - I have some perspective on this -

The last 2 years of my dad's life was constant emergency room visits, ever-restrictive diets, and near 24 hour care by my mom. He had a mix of congestive heart failure, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc...

What I learned is this - there is no "right time" for anyone to die. It's just time. My dad believed in quality over quantity - he'd sneak some long john silver's when mom wasn't looking and always had a smile on his face - but I knew he was miserable and just plain tired.

He passed suddenly after being rushed to the hospital while I was 200 miles away in Austin, so everything I had to say to him I said quietly to him afterwards.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time - there's no right or wrong way to feel, I'd say have those conversations and ask those questions you always wanted to, because you never know when you'll lose that chance.

I'll PM ya something I wrote that I hope will help -

D.

[johnastovall]

My wife died of terminal cancer a month ago. All the conventional treatments were failing. The Oncologist suggested some experimental drugs we might try but they could have had the same if not worse side effect. She decided to come home and have hospice care here with the cats, the art and the music. She lasted 3 weeks.

There comes a time when people know it's time to leave and they want to leave surrounded by the things and people they love not some team in a hospital.

[123canon]

i totally agree with mr stovall. my dad died at 58 of cancer. he fought it for five years and finally came to a point that enough was enough. he told me that he had enjoyed his life and was lucky to have had everything he and my mother had enjoyed. when life starts to be measured by doctors visits and new therapies it was just time to go on his own terms. he did that when i was 25 years old. sometimes knowing how to die is as important as knowing how to live. sure, i wanted him to keep fighting but i loved him too much to try to force him to do it. sorry this is not much help...