16 Years Removed!

[mdparthum]

Hello Friends! I am in need of some advice from fellow photographers. I have a friend that is going through some tough times and I would like to help him. He was "once upon a time" married and had a daughter with his new wife. Well, the marriage didn't last, and after a very bitter divorce, he hasn't seen his daughter since she was three years old. There were many unfortunate factors involved and false accusations made against him to keep him from seeing his daughter. When he did get visitation, it was after traveling 5 hours one way and only being able to visit for 3 hours. And, during that 3 hour visit, the child's mother gave her cough medicine so all she did was sleep. He lost everything, his house, his car, and all his personal possessions because the ex-wife's father got involved and made the matter worse and kept him from everything. Bottom line: they had money for expensive lawyers, he didn't. Well, fast forward 8 years and he gets a letter asking for him to surrender his parental rights or they will take him to court for back child support. He quit paying child support because he never saw the child and they basically failed to show up with the child during agreed visitation times. They did everything to make it hard on him. No addresses, no phone numbers, nothing. No information as to the welfare of the child. So, he was basically in no financial position to pay so he signed the paperwork. Well, now he has found his daughter through a weird situation. He is a teacher and yearbook sponsor at a small high school and they use one publisher, well, a rep. from another publisher came in and gave them one sample to look at and it just happened to be his daughter's graduation yearbook. Then the next day he searched on Google and found her myspace site and facebook listing. He is a photographer too and so is the daughter. Imagine that! A photographer too. She lists photography as her passion and that is his passion as well. So, she is now 19 and a legal adult!

My question is to everyone who would like to share, should he try to make contact with his daughter? He has never stopped loving her and really can't replace all that lost time, but he would like to tell her his side of the story and at least try to answer any of her questions.

Thanks for your advice! He will be anxiously waiting!

[12stones]

Michael, that's such a heart-wrenching story. For me, I'd have to try and contact her. I'd want that connection or at least a shot at it. At least put it in her hands for the decision. My thoughts are with your friend as I know my life wouldn't be anything without my daughters.

[DaShellSellers]

Coming from the daughter's perspective (I had a similar situation growing up, didn't know where my dad was because my mom kept me from him) he needs to contact her if only to give her the option of letting him be a part of her life or not. I know I would love to have my dad in my life, I have a lot of questions, but we can't find him now

[Wes]

Contact her. If he doesn't he'll always wonder what could have been. Could he have had a normal relationship with her? Does she love him? What does she know about him?

Since they have some of the same passions it could be the basis for a renewed relationship that will allow them to learn about each other and grow together.

Oh, yeah... he should definitely contact her.

[corralup]

Go see her or talk to her asap. Maybe meet her in a public place such as a restuarant or mall.
I had a simuliar situation. My parents divorce happened when I was five. I tried to locate my father in my 20's. I finally found him in Colorado but never had a chance to see him in person he passed away from a blow to his head in a robbery. All my life I've been wondering what it would've been like to meet my real dad. I have a step-father since that time but nothing compares to real blood.
Time is precious...Go get caught up and give her a hug for me.

[ggeen]

DaShell, well put and I full concur. -G

[Photoholic]

Time is precious...to much time has pasted. I recently went through this with my two nephews that I hadn't seen in 13 years. I was scared to be rejected but I wasn't. It will not hurt to try.

Your title scared me at first I thought you were talking about me.

[Jenny Z]

I would say contact her, but he needs to know full well that her mother possibly (and from the sounds of the story, probably) filled her head with alot of falsities about him. Tough situation.

[snidow]

I say contact her, ask to start off new, offer to be honest not vindictive when answering the questions she might have. Don't bad mouth Mom or grandparents, keep it simple and look forward to the future not look back on the past, it can not be changed.

[Ahh!]

Contact her. There is no downside to extending the invitation.

[Hogleg 44]

Certainly attempt contact.
But keep in mind that her mind may have been poisoned by an apparently bitter family group.
As others have said...give her the opportunity.

[toverman]

If she has graduated from high school and is at least 18, there is no reason not to try contacting her. She is an adult and has a right to know her father if she chooses.

[mdparthum]

Thanks everyone for the input! Great advice to ponder.

[sandy_ruotolo]

I would contact her. I'm adopted, and even though I was loved by my adoptive parents, a part of me always wondered why my mother gave me away. When I was finally able to locate her whereabouts, she had died. Your daughter if old enough should be able to understand what her mother and grandparents did, maybe she wonders why you never contacted her.

[Teddington]

Guys, if photography is her passion then I'd have him put together a portfolio or blog that conveys his passion for photography and find a way, maybe through a 3rd party to bring it to her attention. With all the potential for a "poison pill", the photography connection might open the door with the common passion.