How to handle being a wedding photographer when you're having marital problems?

[bryanlindsey]

Originally Posted by JohnT

Husband and wife can and do "become one," but they can still have their individuality in a sense. "Becoming one" and individuality are not mutually exclusive. The man and woman are not single individuals bound by nothing more than love and a contractual agreement. "Becoming one" means that both are a team in the life-long commitment of marriage, for better or for worse. Unfortunately, this concept is lost on most people today

This is absolutely correct.

Without getting into a religious discussion, "becoming one" is a Bible principle (Eph 5:31 and others). Be careful what you call BS.

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by bryanlindsey

Be careful what you call BS.

Then I suggest we don't bring up the bible.

[bryanlindsey]

Originally Posted by KellyHay

But my advice to everyone, including my daughters, is that no one is worth giving up your individuality. If that's what it takes to make a relationship work, then it isn't working for YOU.

I'm not usually drawn into these types of discussions, but I don't mind saying that I am willing to give up anything for my wife and children, including my individuality if necessary. Fortunately my wife feels the same way, so it's not necessary.

[KellyHay]

Well, then that would go under similar expectations.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by bryanlindsey

This is absolutely correct.

Without getting into a religious discussion, "becoming one" is a Bible principle (Eph 5:31 and others). Be careful what you call BS.

You're right. That's what I was trying to say without actually saying it. Didn't want to get my wrist slapped for rule violation.

[KellyHay]

And before the panty-wetting starts, I'm not suggesting that you never do anything for anyone else. Just that during the course of a relationship, you have to decide what's best for you. Sometimes it's being selfless. Sometimes it's being selfish.

Individuality.

[bryanlindsey]

I respect your right to an opinion. I respect you as a person and as an individual.

But I think you're wrong.

[Cajungaltx]

I think - and forgive me Kelly if I misunderstand - what Kelly is trying to say is that there is this 'fairy tale' that says when you get married, all of a sudden you are each others bestest friend, you spend ALL your free time together... all of your likes and dislikes suddenly 'mesh'... there is a 'oneness'... to your relationship and you need no one else but each other.

*VOMIT*

My husband and I have an amazing relationship... 80% of the time... but I recognize that he needs his 'cave' time... and he realizes I need 'couple' time... if his 'time off' is limited... my expectations are that he would spend it with me... strengthening our relationship. HIS expectations usually have more to do with a nap, or playing World of Warcrack... lol. It results in conflict... expectations meeting reality is always an issue.

You are individuals first, and husband and wife second. Even biblical teaching say get the vertical right (God) if you want to make the horizontal (spouse/children) right. Which means your individual self needs to be okay... before your relational self will EVER be okay...

You can't build a house on a broken foundation and expect it to be structurally sound... you'd be running around like a chicken with your head cut off fixing this, repairing that... for the rest of your life..... you have to fix the foundation first... if you ever want to fix the rest...

Here's a hilarious freaking video that shows the difference between women & mens brains... WELL worth watching:

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by bryanlindsey

I respect your right to an opinion. I respect you as a person and as an individual.

But I think you're wrong.

Ditto. Ditto.

And ditto.

KellyHay added 10 Minutes and 43 Seconds later...Double Post Merged Below

Originally Posted by Cajungaltx

I think - and forgive me Kelly if I misunderstand - what Kelly is trying to say is that there is this 'fairy tale' that says when you get married, all of a sudden you are each others bestest friend, you spend ALL your free time together... all of your likes and dislikes suddenly 'mesh'... there is a 'oneness'... to your relationship and you need no one else but each other.

*VOMIT*

My husband and I have an amazing relationship... 80% of the time... but I recognize that he needs his 'cave' time... and he realizes I need 'couple' time... if his 'time off' is limited... my expectations are that he would spend it with me... strengthening our relationship. HIS expectations usually have more to do with a nap, or playing World of Warcrack... lol. It results in conflict... expectations meeting reality is always an issue.

You are individuals first, and husband and wife second.

Agreed. I believe you need to be friends when you get married. And if you are and can remain best friends, then that is double plus good.

But ask yourself what you want in a friend. I want friends who accept me for who I am. It is up to me to evaluate who I am at any particular time and improve things that need improving (I know, I know, but there really are things I'd like to improve). It's up to my friends to do the same. And hopefully we remain people who like each other.

When I said that I tell my girls that no one is worth their individuality, I meant as it pertains to forming physical relationships. What I will or will not do for my kids has nothing to do with the relationship I have with my wife or anyone else.

[Cajungaltx]

Originally Posted by KellyHay

Ditto. Ditto.

And ditto.

KellyHay added 10 Minutes and 43 Seconds later...Double Post Merged Below




Agreed. I believe you need to be friends when you get married. And if you are and can remain best friends, then that is double plus good.

But ask yourself what you want in a friend. I want friends who accept me for who I am. It is up to me to evaluate who I am at any particular time and improve things that need improving (I know, I know, but there really are things I'd like to improve). It's up to my friends to do the same. And hopefully we remain people who like each other.

When I said that I tell my girls that no one is worth their individuality, I meant as it pertains to forming physical relationships. What I will or will not do for my kids has nothing to do with the relationship I have with my wife or anyone else.

Maybe I'm weird...but I've learned that you don't hang out with people who are places you don't want to stay.... I'm a white trash red neck country girl from Louisiana who grew up in a house that came with it's own set of removable wheels.

I had LOTS of people who accepted me as I was. It was when I started not accepting me 'as I was' that I ran into problems....

MOST people, are entirely blind to their greatest faults. That - I think most people - will agree is true for a majority of people.

If it wasn't, people wouldn't act like a$$holes at times... they'd recognize their issues, and own them...

Husbands that were inconsiderate would realize it, and be considerate... wives that were nagging would realize it, and stop...

But that doesn't happen, because they are more focus on 'me, me, me, me, me'... that they don't give the same weight to 'we, we, we, we'.

My husband and I saw a counselor, as part of our pre-deployment planning - who said that the idea/concept that "I shouldn't have to change who I am to make my marriage better." is total bs and is a lie.

"If you REALLY loved me, you would accept me for who I am... and not try to change ME."

BS. BS. BS.

You can't make a strong marriage if you don't work on your weaknesses... when you wrap yourself up in the whole 'accept me as I am' bit and expect your spouse to go along with it.

I'm not saying you need to conform to everything blindly - and you don't do it just to keep the other person happy - but when something about 'you' hinders having a stronger marriage... a more INTIMATE one... then yes... YOU should have to change who you are to make your marriage better.

My husband is very analytical... and emotionally distant. I am definitely the touchy, feely one... now... he could have said - "Accept me as I am... I'm not going to be the frou frou emotional guy you want... you married me knowing that... just accept it."

But he knew, that what I wanted was right for our marriage. You don't go the long haul with someone you don't 'know'... and he will tell you himself, that he is very glad that I pushed the issue... our marriage bond is stronger because he changed...

[syuan]

Wow, i missed a lot of excitment just been away from TPF for 8 hours j/k

Kelly, couln't agree with you more on the "alone time" and "time with your buddies"!

My two cent on "two shall becoming one flesh": A merging of two lives should not be one that substracts from a person's individuality, but rather the joining of two person's strength, virtues, gifts that compliments each other and to enhance the quality of life together, sharing joys and helping when the other falls. It should also be an union that gives each spouse a safe and nurturing environment to grow as an induvidual in all dimensions. Unfortunately, many of the marriages we see around us today do not have this mindset as marraige is designed for; but rather the mentality of "What's in it for me" or "what can you do for me" prevails even from the earliest onset of courting the opposit sex in our culture. Looking at the statistics, this value system is share equally between men and women. With that, people are often unwilling to put in the "work" when issues arise in a mariage; after all it seems so much easier to just find another person to start fresh again. So the cycle repeats itself; and often our children become victims of such circumstance.

There's often a balance between been selfless and been selfish in a marriage. Those people whose marriage portrait the closest "heaven on earth" that I admire and hope to learn from, are the type of people who are less self-seeking and more others-serving. Anyways, these are just my observation from a very limited point of view and experiences.... I should stop here before drifting too far off from the main topic in this thread...

Jennifer, I apologize if my earlier thread sounded in anyway judgemental. If I did, it was unintensional. Gather from what you wrote "the man you fall in love with..."... I think you should fight for your marriage and for your man. However, there might be many uphill battles before things get better. Try not to be alone in this fight. Surround yourself with trustworthy friends who will support you. There are couples who have gone through similar experience and overcame. You can too.

I admire your courage of sharing your story in this forum. Your willingness to share has opened a door for others to share their stories; and that might be what some needed to 'hear' and be encouraged as they stumble across this thread... <ahh, the wisdom and love of God!> (talking to myself )

God bless!

[Sweet Caroline]

When my husband and I took our vows, we agreed to become family. We won't always get along, sometimes we'll act like jerks, but we'll always love each other. Individuality is important in that you can't rely on some one else for your own happiness, and you can't be happy in a relationship unless you are happy within yourself.

A depressed person usually has trouble feeling connected to others, even if they want to. Hang in there. It sounds like you've been putting forth some good effort to connect with him. Maybe instead of going out on a date, since he's not interested in going out, you can start with date nights at home. Rent a movie, buy movie candy, make popcorn. Sometimes my husband and I just go back to simple things when we are feeling overwhelmed by stress and distant from each other.

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by Cajungaltx

It was when I started not accepting me 'as I was' that I ran into problems...

There is so much truth in this statement that everyone should be required to have it tattooed on the inside of his/her eyelids so he/she won't forget it.

[MRCPix]

man how I wish this site was up and running when I was going thru all this. You guys are awesome.
I would add something to the original post, but since my marriage failed I am not in the postion to help, but depression had a lot to do with it.

Jennifer I hope you two get everything worked out and have a long happy life together, because there is nothing more important than family

[ka5txl]

Jennifer, I hope everything works out for you. And now to go spend time in my empty box.