How to handle being a wedding photographer when you're having marital problems?

[ziffle]

Originally Posted by David Whatley

2 books that changed my life were For Men Only and For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. I would now be celebrating 28 years of marriage instead of 25 if I had only read them a few months earlier before she filed.
The 12 steps of AA have also helped me a LOT.
I would be more than happy to sit down with him, you or both of you togeather if you like. I'm not a counselor, but have been there, got the T-Shirt and still walking the walk today.

+1 on the 12 step and AA ..... have had parents go thru and of course us kids.


+1 on the sit down and talk.....


David - sorry about the parting of you and your ex.


Interesting topic ... biblical perspective - non biblical perspective....
2 becoming 1, etc.....


me: married before and now a statistic in divorce.
I never want to go thru that again.

so .... i sought out counseling to give me the tools to have a better marriage.



To the OP:
-you can make it thru this.
-you are not alone in struggles in marriage.
-make sure you are around friends who believe in "commitment no matter what".
-w/ your counselor - make sure you have defined what is on your plate and what is on his(husband) plate as far as a relationship (boundaries).
-make sure you counselor believes in "commitment no matter what" also.

-keep working on your marriage - what ever it takes.

From there .... god speed to a path to recovery to a healthy marriage.

Later ... Mark

[ADP Photography]

You guys are just soooo wonderful!!!!! Thank you again for all your support! I never have thought about giving up, and don't plan on it! My dilemia has mainly been dealing with what's in front of me photographing a wedding while hurting so much inside. I am so connected to my work... what I feel shows in my photographs, times that's a blessing, others... not so much. However, I refuse to detach myself from my work and my husband.

Funny thing is that I've always known (and we've talked about it in the past), that my husband's job is extremely stressful. In the past he would turn to me for support, emotional and physical. I guess when he stopped, I felt more as if it was something that I was doing wrong. When I read Kelly's post about the JOB, I realized just how much I had been trying to "fix" things. We've been talking more, and I've backed off of trying to get him to tell me what's wrong, and have been praying a lot... especially during weddings.

One of the things I found out was just how worn out he is, with his job and trying to get the photography business where it needs to be so he could leave being a 911 dispatcher and do photography full time, and not having enough quality time with me or the kids... for a while we were trying so hard to get things going he was either working his "normal" job or on shoots with me. He was putting a lot of pressure on himself. So we decided that other than weddings or something just for fun, I will do all sessions by myself. He will get to spend down time alone or with friends & family.

Still don't have everything solved per se, but I feel better and have a lot of really great advise... and new reading material to follow-up on.

On a professional note, just did a sunrise wedding on Saturday, outside in Frisco... Next one that I take on (especially when it's going to be 40 degrees), the bride will have to pay double!!!!! Good thing about it being so cold and early... I wasn't awake or warm enough to think about anything else except trying to get the shots... LOL!

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by ADP Photography

So we decided that other than weddings or something just for fun, I will do all sessions by myself. He will get to spend down time alone or with friends & family.

Still don't have everything solved per se, but I feel better and have a lot of really great advise... LOL!

Sounds like you guys are on the right track, but don't expect things to heal overnight.

Best of luck. I hope there's happiness in your future.

[bryanlindsey]

Originally Posted by ADP Photography

One of the things I found out was just how worn out he is, with his job and trying to get the photography business where it needs to be so he could leave being a 911 dispatcher and do photography full time, and not having enough quality time with me or the kids...

I know EXACTLY what this is like - my photography business began in April, and in May/June/July I devoted every spare minute to photography and buisiness-building. And this was concurrent with a full-time job (which I still have). If you are not ABSOLUTELY DEPENDENT on the $$$ from photography, just back off a little. This is what I did, and it really helped. Is business rolling in for me as fast as if I were still attacking it like I was over the summer? Probably not. But my wife and I are much happier. I still spend an hour or so a day shooting or editing or on consultations, but that little speedbump in my relationship with my wife is well behind me.

Why become miserable trying to chase something that you're supposed to enjoy?

[klynam]

Originally Posted by KellyHay

And before the panty-wetting starts, I'm not suggesting that you never do anything for anyone else. Just that during the course of a relationship, you have to decide what's best for you. Sometimes it's being selfless. Sometimes it's being selfish.

Individuality.

Sorry folks - I'm done ignoring the acrid tone and demagoguery...beginning with the preemptive characterization of dissenting views as "panty-wetting." Be man enough for a respectful debate without name calling or stay out.

More importantly: This is classic narcissistic advice, and the core of America's self-absorbed "what's in it for me" societal decline.

Life is not all about YOU, and marriage DAMN sure isn't all about the individual or the "emotion" of love for that matter. If you're misguided on either of those points, do the world a favor and don't marry! Marriage is about commitment, love is about determination.

A successful marriage is a 100% / 100% relationship. Anyone who goes into a marriage thinking it's a 50/50 relationship is destined for trouble (at best) and divorce (at worst).

Okay smart-ass, what if the spouse doesn't hold up his/her end of that 100/100 bargain?

That's a legitimate and relevant question. And precisely why it's a 100/100 relationship; so when one party fails entirely - and we may all fail at some time - the marriage can survive and eventually thrive again.

Is divorce unavoidable? Nope. Is divorce necessary? Sometimes. Are ill-advised marriages and expedient divorces causing generations of broken lives, homes and families? Without a doubt.

I applaud the OP and her determination to see her marriage survive. Ones marriage and family are more important that any career choice. She has her priorities right, and by her life has set an example for her friends and family alike.

Life is not a dress rehearsal folks - this is it. Let's do our best to get it right!

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by klynam

This is classic narcissistic advice

No it's not. It is based on my own experience in a 100/0 marriage. A person can only last so long in that situation. I only lasted 14 years like that, and I am still married to the same person because I quit allowing it to happen. But I have no doubt you could have done better under the same circumstances.

Your post = potkettle.

[klynam]

Originally Posted by KellyHay

But I have no doubt you could have done better under the same circumstances.

Your post = potkettle.

Your cathartic sarcasm is unfortunate and contributes nothing (constructive) to the conversation. You also assume too much. I met my wife at 20 and married at 22. We've been married over 20 years and worked through several serious problems from illness, to depression, to finance, and more.

On a positive note...

Originally Posted by KellyHay

It is based on my own experience in a 100/0 marriage....I only lasted 14 years like that, and I am still married to the same person

You prove the point...

what if the spouse doesn't hold up his/her end of that 100/100 bargain?

That's a legitimate and relevant question. And precisely why it's a 100/100 relationship; so when one party fails entirely - and we may all fail at some time - the marriage can survive and eventually thrive again.

Because YOU were in it 100% for 14 hard years, your marriage survived. And that is awesome! Now YOU have a story to share with others you meet who are struggling in marriage.

Then again, whether that story is one of despair or hope is entirely up to you...

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by klynam

You prove the point...

And you miss it.