How to handle being a wedding photographer when you're having marital problems?

[ADP Photography]

I know I can't be the first person out there. What makes matters worse is that we photograph all weddings together. During the wedding he's perfectly charming, the man I fell in love with. Afterwards, he's cold, detached, shuts me out, goes back to being just my roommate and business partner. He's going through a depression (more and more over the past year) and I have and am trying to get him to go to counseling with me or even by himself (I'm going myself irregardless), he just won't go and keeps cancelling on me.

The thing is that I put my heart and soul into being a photographer and it breaks my heart privately to watch two people in so much love when my personal life is falling apart. To not be a photographer would be the same as asking me not to breath. I know I can't fix him and I don't want out... Has anyone else gone through this?

Yes I fully realize that this is the "business discussion" forum, but for me my business is just as much a part of my personal life... espeically when both worlds collide.

Any advice is appreciated.

[CaptainTom]

Jennifer
People are reading your thread but there aren't many who have the experience to advise you.
I haven't experienced your situation re: photography, but I have been involved in a lot of couples counseling.
Sometimes we guys are afraid that counseling will turn into a blame fest. We don't want to hear that it's all our fault. We have a hard enough time even accepting that there is a problem.

Try to get him to go by himself. Tell him that the counselor doesn't assign blame to anyone but just listens and suggest ways to overcome and understand the problems.
Once I went and found out that things were able to be discussed and methods suggested to help fix the problems, I was eager to continue the process.

The first step in a new direction is the hardest.

Best of luck to you both.

[syuan]

Originally Posted by ADP Photography

I know I can't be the first person out there. What makes matters worse is that we photograph all weddings together. During the wedding he's perfectly charming, the man I fell in love with. Afterwards, he's cold, detached, shuts me out, goes back to being just my roommate and business partner. He's going through a depression (more and more over the past year) and I have and am trying to get him to go to counseling with me or even by himself (I'm going myself irregardless), he just won't go and keeps cancelling on me.

The thing is that I put my heart and soul into being a photographer and it breaks my heart privately to watch two people in so much love when my personal life is falling apart. To not be a photographer would be the same as asking me not to breath. I know I can't fix him and I don't want out... Has anyone else gone through this?

Yes I fully realize that this is the "business discussion" forum, but for me my business is just as much a part of my personal life... espeically when both worlds collide.

Any advice is appreciated.

Perhaps a close friend of his can help to talk to him?

Maybe a get-away vacation helps to de-stress?

I know when my wife and I are going through tough time, I always tried to create opportunity to talk to her (mostly asking questions and listening to her so I can understand 'where she is' and not trying to 'fix her'), offer to join her in her hobbies, do something nice (picking up cooking, laundry, cleaning for a whole week) and ask no reciprocating or recognition - just showing that I appreciate her and love her and would gladely serve her in anyway I can to make her feel loved. As for men, what we need sometimes is not wine and dine, rosey bed, but affirmation, admiration, praise and respect from the woman we love (whether we deserve it or not - men seem to be build this way), and knowing that no matter what circumstances bring, our woman would stand by us to support and affirm us. It is of certain truth that behind every successful man (in career, marriage, social life, etc) there is a woman.

Someone once told me a very wise thing: "A woman is like a piano, the quality of music that comes out of it depends on how the musician plays it". I belive it applies to men in general as well. Sow your "seeds" of affirmation, praise, etc and you will reap a harvest in due season. This is my experience. I know everyone and his/her circumstance is different. Dont give up trying. You can make it.

A movie about marriage and how people find ways to cope with the conflicts within a marriage life is one of my all time favorite movie - "Fire Proof". You might like it.

[MicWayWal]

Originally Posted by ADP Photography

... Has anyone else gone through this?...

Short answer - Yep.

We went through this back in the 1980s. I was the photographer, she ran the business end. You can get through this. We did but it was not easy. Yeah the irony was hard to deal with. We were so mad at each other every week and the couple was so much in love. It turns out I was the horse's a**. But I did not want to deal with it.

I did not want to get involved into some long term, open-ended counseling that I thought could drag on for years and years. It was my fear. Find out if it is his fear too.

Here is what my wife did to convince me to get into counseling. She asked me if I would consider going to counseling for a limited time, for her. No long term commitment. I agreed to go to 4 weeks of very intense counseling. If we saw no benefits at the end of that time I could stop going. At the end of that time I thought I saw some things that had helped BOTH of us deal with our issues. So I agreed to continue.

We saw 4 different counselors off and on for about 5 years. We would change counselors when we thought it had reached a peak of effectiveness with one. We changed for a different perspective and it was very beneficial to have different points of view. Over time we learned how to deal with our problems on our own. We just had our 28th anniversary Oct 3. God Bless you.

[toverman]

Counseling may or may not be the answer; taking a break from weddings might save your sanity (but do keep breathing).

[Cajungaltx]

Jennifer - my heart goes out to you.

This right here: He's going through a depression (more and more over the past year) and I have and am trying to get him to go to counseling with me or even by himself (I'm going myself irregardless), he just won't go and keeps canceling on me.

is what you have to focus on.

You can't 'make' him go... and you can't 'fix' his issues. HE has to do it... his depression, is something he has to deal with separately from your marriage.

I learned this with my 'now' ex....and have found it to be worth it's weight in gold with my husband.

If "I" keep trying to fix/deal/address 'his' issues... HE doesn't get to... I feel frustrated because 'he' isn't working... 'his' stuff... and he just feels pressured, disrespected, and unappreciated.

If you ask a man... he'd rather feel unloved, then disrespected.
If you ask a woman... she'd rather be disrespected...than unloved.

A third party (counselor) always helps - but if he won't go - you can't make him. I am not fond of the concept of chasing him and saying: "Please, please, lets address this issue, please..."

Take care of yourself. Focus on YOUR issues... If you struggle with communication - work on it. If you 'mind read'... stop...

If you find yourself reading a book about 'his' issues... quit!

Own your own issues... let him own his.

Unfortunately, marriage is hard. Making marriage 'and' work - work together is harder. There's a great book (it IS Christian based, so it might not be an option) called 'For Her Eyes Only'... talk about an EYE opener for me... I've got 7 older brothers... and I didn't realize how screwed up they were. *grin*

Not screwed up - just different. WAY different. It's more than just the exterior protrusions... I highly recommend it.

I wish you the best... feel free to email me if you need help or support... if nothing else, I'm a friendly ear.

[KellyHay]

I have been where you are, only in a catering business. From my experience, I say that you owe it to yourself to work on your problems ('you' and 'your' meaning you and your husband). Just remember that there often comes a time when you (meaning just you) might need to end the relationship.

People change, and not always for the better. And not always for worse, just different.

1. Remember that there is always a second side to a story, even one that you think you know everything about because you were half of the story. Try to see the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

2. Just because two people disagree, doesn't mean that one of them is wrong. Also doesn't mean either is right.

3. Don't undervalue alone time. The BS about two people becoming one is just that, BS. The two of you probably got married because you liked the INDIVIDUAL. If marriage puts and end to individuality, THAT will put an end to the marriage.

3a. Guys needs guy time. You may not like his friends, but he does. He can fart around them, and tell dirty jokes, ogle women on TV, be stupid, and all the other things he would never do around you. Most guys I know NEED to get guy-ness out of their systems. Bad things happen (eventually) when they don't get to. About the ogling women thing: it's not cheating, and not a threat to you. Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't appreciate the menu.

3b. Women need alone time. You probably know why. I'm a guy and so I can't flesh this one out.

4. 3a and 3b are more important than ever when you work together. Get away from each other. Just do. Spend a night or two a week out with your own friends. Look for neat things to do in your area on Meetup.com. You have to have different experiences if you are going to have much to talk about.

5. Don't let someone else change who you are. Be you, or be single.

6. There is no shame in ending a relationship if you know you have tried everything. None.

7. Switch to Nikon.

[toverman]

^ Good words, Kelly. Except for that awful No. 7.

[MicWayWal]

Originally Posted by toverman

^ Good Words, Kelly. Except For That Awful No. 7.

+1

[ADP Photography]

It's been a while since I've been able to get back here after my post. Thank you so much to everyone. He does work full time at another profession, so we have time a part... socially he does not go out with friends and right now has no interest. We only work together on weddings, I handle the business, all other shoots, follow-up and post production work.

I"ve set up "date nights" and one thing or another we have just ended up staying at home because he doesn't want to go out then he'll stay up watching tv until very late or falling asleep on the couch... so I've had a lot of "alone time". We've started talking about his lack of interest, which is at least a step. He blames it on being depressed, stressed and frustrated over bills and his regular job.

My therapist tells me that I need to find within myself happiness and continue to work on my issues. That he may see how much it's helping me and decide to start working on his own problems. Though the opposite has been happening, the happier I become with myself, the more he pulls away. Funny thing is that one of my best skills as a photographer is being patient, which hopefully will help in my personal life.

I am always very respectful of him and tell him how much I appreciate it the things he does, tell him thank you when he does somethihng for me (no matter how big or small and always with an earnest smile), I do not nag or plead, I do the housework, laundry, cooking, and all the errand running... all while not complaining... I'm not bragging or tooting my own horn, these are things I just do. He works during the week from 3pm to 11pm and I don't like a dirty house (especially due to the fact I have clients over)

There are a lot of similiarities in photographing weddings and newborns, I feel its getting to be a witness of God's love... watching a miracle of hope unfold in front of you. (yes I'm a hopeless romantic)

In the meantime I'll keep doing what makes me happy by spending time with my children and doing things just for myself. Recently I've been able to throw myself into photographing musicians. I've always wanted to photograph bands who really believe in their music, and out of nowhere, this past month I've been hired by 2 bands. It's been a lot of fun, especially during their live performances with them on stage and me hiding behind an amp or them backstage. The energy is unbelievable and you can see it in the photographs. Though I will say even though the attention I get from them feels nice, I'm very careful to keep my distance and keep it professional. (And secretly hope one day it will be my husband who notices me like that again.)

At least I don't feel alone anymore... there are more crazy artsy types out there : )

I will do what I can to go out and find more of my own experiences...

Just one last thing though... Kelly - Nikon, NOT an option : )

Thank you all so much again (except for the Nikon thing)

[KellyHay]

You Canon folk would look more natural with this #7.




Best of luck with your relationship. I've been through a depression, and it is a mental and physical hurt. And it can take months before you realize what exactly is causing it. I spent years blaming other people for my position before I realized that I allowed these things to happen. I've now found something I love to do and hope to turn it into a business. I have something to be excited about.

I did notice during my depression that healthy food, lots of water, and visits to Six Flags helped (no joke). I also noticed that beer tasted better, but didn't help anything.

The trick with people who are depressed is to walk a fine line between supportive and pushy. Knowing when to back off is essential.

[David Whatley]

2 books that changed my life were For Men Only and For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. I would now be celebrating 28 years of marriage instead of 25 if I had only read them a few months earlier before she filed.
The 12 steps of AA have also helped me a LOT.
I would be more than happy to sit down with him, you or both of you togeather if you like. I'm not a counselor, but have been there, got the T-Shirt and still walking the walk today.

[KellyHay]

After re-reading your last post, I just wanted to add/offer:

My depression began because of my job. It just wasn't fulfilling. It might seem silly, but guys really need to feel like their efforts mean something, that someone noticed a job well done, and that it made a difference. If that's not happening at work, then it is likely wearing on your guy's mind. I know when this happened to me, work was no longer "time alone". In fact, it was quite the opposite. It was time lonely.

It's a downward spiral, and the longer it goes on the harder it will be to climb out.

Is there any chance that he could change shifts? jobs? careers? If he sees it as a dead end, it's probably killing him.

[JohnT]

Originally Posted by KellyHay

3. Don't undervalue alone time. The BS about two people becoming one is just that, BS. The two of you probably got married because you liked the INDIVIDUAL. If marriage puts and end to individuality, THAT will put an end to the marriage.

Husband and wife can and do "become one," but they can still have their individuality in a sense. "Becoming one" and individuality are not mutually exclusive. The man and woman are not single individuals bound by nothing more than love and a contractual agreement. "Becoming one" means that both are a team in the life-long commitment of marriage, for better or for worse. Unfortunately, this concept is lost on most people today—just look at the divorce rate (not throwing stones; just stating fact). Therefore, pre-marital counseling is always a good idea. It's also a good idea to have an older couple as mentors to the newly-wed couple to help guide them through the good times and not-so-good times (older couple does not refer to family members).

Much more could be said but I'll stop here.

[KellyHay]

Originally Posted by JohnT

Husband and wife can and do "become one," but they can still have their individuality in a sense. "Becoming one" and individuality are not mutually exclusive. The man and woman are not single individuals bound by nothing more than love and a contractual agreement. "Becoming one" means that both are a team in the life-long commitment of marriage, for better or for worse. Unfortunately, this concept is lost on most people today—just look at the divorce rate (not throwing stones; just stating fact). Therefore, pre-marital counseling is always a good idea. It's also a good idea to have an older couple as mentors to the newly-wed couple to help guide them through the good times and not-so-good times (older couple does not refer to family members).

Much more could be said but I'll stop here.

My point is that people (and in my experience, women) seem to think that two actually DO become one. It becomes a smothering situation. Her friends become my friends. My friends become a-holes. Her likes become our likes. My likes become stupid. Her family becomes our family. My family becomes who?

In order for most relationships to work, people need to remain individual. Either you are individuals who have similar expectations for you lives together, or you're not. If not, then don't get married, or call it off immediately.

If the thing is the same, but we are calling it different names, then so be it.

But my advice to everyone, including my daughters, is that no one is worth giving up your individuality. If that's what it takes to make a relationship work, then it isn't working for YOU.